"Do You Hate Him? ...Andre? ...Anna?"

Today was a shitter of a day. It seemed to go forever. And it was full of flops. I wrote on my hand at the beginning of the class 'Relax, Smile' and it was very useful at the end of class!

We got up in groups of ten with the home-made masks and stood back to the wall. Philippe played some music, and we had to dance to the music and then sing/speak with a funny voice.

When I went he played this high pitched staccato classical music so I danced on my tip toes and played with a high pitched opera voice."Is it painful?" It was. I found that a lot of stuff flew out the window too when doing this (fixed point, play with rhythm...) due to fear and being under the spotlight. The good thing is every time I get up I learn a little bit more about myself as a performer. I learnt in this moment that I don't enjoy, or am very good at, playing 'annoying' on stage. I life - totally. But on the stage, not so much.

Then Philippe got Danielle to stand completely still and imitate a sports commentator, and every time he beat his drum Danielle would have to make the sounds of:

a) a big storm

b) a creaky door

c) a dripping tap

d) a little homosexual dog

e) boiling spaghetti

f) a TGV train

The result was a really crazy surprising little high-speed moment.

We then went in groups of ten again, and this time had to come out to music, then speak in gibberish and every now and then make a strange noise.

I came out and did some dumb voice in which I didn't have enough fun with, and pushed a bit with. Philippe killed me (he took great pleasure in killing basically everybody today) and picked out my two closest friends to do the deed: "Do You Hate Him? ...Andre? ...Anna?"

~

"To have a good fun doesn't mean we have to laugh. It means Ugh! This actor has spirit!"

I'm currently pondering the sensitive balance between being Big/Loud/Full of Energy, and pushing. How do I rise in scale, but not push?

~

"Thank you [Michael] for demonstrating what a horrible flop is like."

Emma encountered a flop too, but she played with it. She let us know that she knew that we knew it was bad. And when she did that we saw her humanity.

"Every time you are mechanical we hate you."

I've found myself feeling quite insecure lately - about my acting, my friends, my relationship, and my body. And I clicked to why this possibly is. It'll be school. Some of it will be being told I'm bad day after day. And some of it will be home-sickness. But it will also be because in this training I'm constantly trying to open myself up. To take risks. To show my humanity. Me. And that's vulnerable. So no wonder I've been feeling the way I've been feeling.