“If You Want To Progress You Have To Do Something Absolutely Perfect. Not Half Perfect. Perfect.”

We improvised a scene from Feu la mère de madame (Better Late) today. A man has gone to a ball. He arrives home at 4am, a bit drunk. It’s been raining so he’s cold and wet. He’s forgotten his key so he has to wake up his wife. She gets grumpy, and doesn’t want to sleep. He is tired and just wants to sleep.

Ben and Vicky played the scene very well. Ben crazy and great as usual. Vicky offered this great game in which she started speaking gibberish really quickly, as if she was really speaking a language. And because Ben’s character was so drunk he thought that he couldn’t understand English anymore.

“If your partner plays this rhythm - play the opposite.”

~

After Ben and Vicky there was a big gap waiting for the next couple to give it a go, so I got up. But I didn’t really want to. I’m getting really annoyed with the class always sitting back, it wastes time and is complacent. But after today I’ve been reminded to only get up if I actually want to work. I did the scene with Katy, but was never really committed from the beginning. The scene opens with the door knocking, and I just kept knocking away like a nazi. Philippe killed me before I even entered. I think I was just half-assed doing it. And then afterwards when I finally got on, I made an offer (I decided earlier to play moany/tired)  which didn’t work, Katy and I didn’t look at each other, there was no game. Philippe killed me pretty strongly. And said we’re not a good couple. He asked Katy “do you not like Guy?” It looked like we were really going to split up.  

When he killed me, he asked people whether they’d like to kill me (plus other nasty things), or they’d like to see try again. My classmates, being nice, said they’d like to see it again. To which I shouted (not so subtly) “WHY?” It was a bit much. Philippe asked whether I didn’t want to play again and I said no and then sat down. I did this because I’ve been talking about me wanting the class to be more cut-throat like last year. Because I felt like I was in a rut, and it would be better for me to sit, and then try again later. I find it’s harder to change straight away. And because I feel like I’m not really ever going to win in this scene. I suck at playing drunk, and I feel like I should focus on the kind of roles/scenes I’m good at. Not just so I can be good, but because I might improve at playing drunk from -5 to -2 but with roles/scenes I’m good at I could improve from +2 to +5. Focus on your strengths.

I felt fine about my decision initially. But later on I started to doubt myself. To kick myself a bit. Because I could have tried again - something else. And I started thinking maybe people really don’t like me and that’s why I’m not good at playing with some people. Which is not the case. But I have been taking things to seriously I think lately. Being to strict or professional. With myself and with others. Not the most fun person to be around. Because I’ve been tired and stressed, but also because I’ve been frustrated with school this year. I spoke to Sophia about it later and she said she reckons me wanting the killings to be cut throat is bullshit. It’s a different year. A different group. Last year is over. And in the real world, in a rehearsal, you don’t get one chance and then sit down. You keep working and changing and shifting. It helped me realise I need to go with what is happening in the room. Not what I want to be happening. I can’t force a change like that. Another try? Great! And I can’t make others get up. I can just decide when I want to get up. I can control myself and my choices but nobody else’s.

~

“If you don’t think I am a beautiful actor, never will you seduce the audience.”

“You have to seduce the audience.”

~

At the end of class Philippe spoke a bit about the idea of focusing on being good at just one thing.

“If you do one role very well you progress many miles.”

“If you want to progress you have to do something absolutely perfect. Not half perfect. Perfect.”

“Perfect means ‘I got the point’. And when I got the point I was free. That is perfect.”

He said if you do ten lines perfect you will progress a lot. You will say “I did it” and you will leave the workshop more confident. Less scared to have an audition. I’ve never heard Philippe speak like this. I’ve heard students talk about it before - “about after dealing with Philippe nobody in the industry/real world is nearly as scary” - but never Philippe. It was interesting. Like a confirmation of the reason he chooses to teach in such a scary environment. Because when you succeed in such tough conditions, you do feel stronger. I feel a lot stronger, much more courageous, less afraid, after going to Gaulier. I’ve only felt really free a few times whilst at school. Maybe once or twice per workshop last year. A bit more this year perhaps. But I do aspire to go back to the state I was in those moments.

“You want to go back to this freedom...The pleasure to be free.”

~

On another note, outside of school (as in at home) I’ve been quite inspired as a writer/director lately. I want to be an actor. I enjoy acting. But it doesn’t get me nearly as excited and invested as making. Creating. I don’t dream of performing as an actor. I dream of making. Of new shows. Of crafting. I’d like to act in the things I make. But it occurred to me a few days ago that my interests have shifted.