A long long day today. We started Movement at 12.30pm with both the first and second years. This was because afterwards we all had class with Philippe in order to put together the Cabaret show, until 7pm. I was exhausted by the end of the day!
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I presented my song ‘Where The Southern Roses Grow’ at the beginning of class - sang really well, good sensitivity, connection etc - and Philippe said “yes”, as in, I’m in. The only thing he questioned was whether I had my eyes open. I had. But probably not enough. So that was good. I got in! But it wasn’t a challenge for me, and after getting in I kind of felt a bit like “okay I’ve ticked that box”...“got confirmation”. But I don’t really care about the song. I don’t have much I’m working on for the performance. Anything to search for. Or practice. Of course I do have something to practice but for me singing is different from doing a Vaudeville scene, or a monologue. It’s a lot easier. Anyway, I was happy to have contributed to the show in some way. With a skill that I have.
There were quite a few other pitches for the show. Some got in and some didn’t. Ben and I were told we were going to be able to host together, but not for the whole show. But then Philippe decided he didn’t like his idea of having the stage set like a British pub with all the first year actors on it, so he’s got Ben and I and Carmen (a Spanish girl from the first year) hosting the whole show! We had a few goes and I’ve started to find how to play the role. It’s quite a bit like the role I played in a piece I did with Tim and Aaron, The Book of Murphy. I have to be really light, and a bit clueless. Small. But smiling.
I’m also in my little barbershop quartet opening the second half of the show, and hosting with Ben and Carmen. So when we started deciding the order for the second half (2nd yr performances) and my piece was called out first I said that I shouldn’t go first. Because it would be too much me. I didn’t realise we were just naming all the different acts available. And Philippe thought I said I wanted to go first. I think. And he said “I don’t like that - that’s a bit pretentious.” He misunderstood. And I tried to explain but there wasn’t much point. We needed to move on...
When it came to running the second year pieces I sang again, but this time I wasn’t as connected (or caring) as before, the lighting was different, I was slower, further away from the audience...it was different! And it didn’t feel as strong as it did the first time. Which is fine. I know why. But at the end Philippe asked the class if it was a good song to put you to sleep to? He then went behind the stage because ‘he had an idea’ and I heard him whispering to Steph and Lee (who do a Bouffon rap before me) saying they should come out behind me towards the end of my song because my piece is a bit boring. I had heard him, and asked him how I could make it less boring. But he said to do the same thing I’d done before. It was clear to me what he was doing. And I think he did it because he thought “here’s this pretentious guy who’s happy cause he’s hosting and has a song - let’s make teach him a lesson - make fun of him to knock out the pretentiousness.” Which is fine. I can see how it works, and when we did it, it worked well. But I was pissed off because I hadn’t said the pretentious thing he thought I said and it seemed like Philippe chose to do this thing to get at me. Which is okay. I can handle that and I can see how that could be useful for me - because I do know that I come across as pretentious sometimes, and am pretentious sometimes. But he didn’t let me in on the joke. That’s what I thought was nasty. I’m okay with a joke being played on me - people laughing at me - at my pretentiousness - but setting it up without letting me know is a bit bullyish. Whereas if he’d said ‘this is what we’re going to do, because you look over sincere and it’s a bit boring’ then I would have been happy with that! After I sang the ending again with Steph and Lee coming behind me I asked Philippe again what can I do to change? Speed it up? Be more connected? “No no. It’s a boring song.” Why did you say yes then? “I didn’t realise it was boring before.” Well why don’t we have them cross behind me several times? He was avoiding saying it outright to me. As if I didn’t know.
This could be all in my head, but I found it nasty. Not in a fun nasty way. In a way that invites everyone else to laugh at me, but doesn’t let me know why. And that makes me feel embarrassed and picked on. Sensitive. Which could be the whole point. And actually I’m happy to do it, to go with it, and learn from it. And I know that learning that I come across as pretentious could be a good thing for me as an actor. But it pissed me off.
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I’m also concerned that this one-night Cabaret may become a week-long gig. Philippe murmured a while ago that if it’s good we could do 2 or 3 shows. But people today were saying he wants to do a week of them. But he hasn’t said that to all of us. And for those of us who live in Paris, it’s a bitch. Because we don’t get home till 11.30pm. And if you have French or work in the mornings... Anyway I don’t know exactly what’s happening there. I’m okay to do a couple of shows but a week is a bit much. I know I’m here for school, and this is school and a good opportunity. But logistically it’s difficult, and it cuts into Vaudeville, which is what I’m really here for.
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Also sent in my CV and actor photos today for an audition for En Attendant le Songe (A Midsummer NIght’s Dream) for Compagnie Irina Brook. I think Peter Brook’s daughter. But I don’t actually know. They did a few shows last year, one called Pan, which I didn’t see but really wanted to. The poster was good!
I ended up not going because Philippe said he saw it and it was bad. So I was put off. But I should have gone anyway. We’ll find out! The roles they are trying to fill are Hermia (“must be small”) or Puck (“must be fantastic”). It’s an English production. Hopefully I get an opportunity to audition!
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