Tech rehearsal today. There were works on the train lines this weekend so it took two and half hours to get to school - a train then bus then another train - so that was a bit of a bitch. And then four hours of lights and sound cues. Ay ay ay. But we did it. And we have the shape of the show for tomorrow night. To be honest I’m not that proud of the show we have this term. A lot of the work presented has been rushed and doesn’t represent the quality of the work we’ve done over the past ten weeks. I’m more disappointed in myself though, because I haven’t presented more. I’ve been flat out working with Ben on our The French Chefs show every morning, and then rehearsing in other big group numbers, that I haven’t had the time or energy to work on my own stuff. I wish I had nutted down a week or two earlier, because then I wouldn’t be in the situation I’m in now. I feel embarrassed because I don’t have as much to show for myself as others, and I also feel annoyed with myself because I don’t have a piece in the show that I really care about. I mean, I do care about the message in Two Faggots but I really care about the message in something regarding the colonisation of New Zealand, but I never got round to making anything. I think because I’m a bit scared of it. Or because I procrastinated. Or it’s a big challenge. I know I can do it later, but why didn’t I do it now? And I know I still have a week to make some more scenes or learn a new monologue, and in this time I could do something about colonisation, but I don’t feel a real urge to do it. And this has been my issue over the past three weeks. I haven’t felt a push to go go go. I’ve felt tired and have avoided committing to doing work. This is learning I guess though. This is what it’s like to feel a bit burnt out perhaps. Or a bit unmotivated. A bit blocked. And it’s hard to come out of. I don’t feel burnt out about The French Chefs though. I feel excited and driven, because I care about it and I can see where it can go. So that says something too. For me, it matters that I care about what I’m working on. I could go on in this post, because I’m feeling a lot of things at the moment - including the sadness that in five days my friends of two years will all be dispersing - but I’m going to finish up here. I’m going to do this last week, and try to relax a bit and enjoy the company of my friends. If I find the time, I will work on a few other numbers, but I’m going to try and do it not with the panic to get in the show (this isn’t so helpful) and instead do it with the joy of working with people I enjoy to work with and make something I care about and have fun with.
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