End Of Term One

So term one has come to an end. And what an incredible nine weeks it has been! Right now I am feeling so blessed to be here doing this thing that I love, with really wonderful people. I have some truly great friends here now, and back home. I'm very lucky.

In class today we spent the first hour prepping for the Greek Tragedy showing - Philippe reworked a few scenes (I thought he might work with me again, cause yesterday I thought he said he would, although I wasn't sure, but he didn't at that was fine) and we organised the running order to be presented by the thick deep accented Charles of Bristol. And two runners to change furniture around. I wasn't keen on volunteering for these roles out of pride. I really wanted to be in the showing, and being a runner...not today.

Quite gruelling to sit and watch the showing when really I wanted to be in it - a deliberate tactic of Philippe's I'm sure - but I was actually so proud and quite moved by the work of my peers. Andre and Daniele really presented something that took me somewhere else. It was beautiful. So neat to watch a show in English, Italian, Chinese and German too. What a treat!

Philippe spoke about how at the school they try to be as honest as possible, because it is best for us. i.e. They won't pat us on the back to make us feel better. It's a professional relationship.

"You need a crisis to discover something else."

"We try to be honest. If you are bad we will tell you. But it's friendly. Did you notice that? We are not nasty."

Things I learnt from Neutral Mask & Greek Tragedy:

• Be tall. Be beautiful.
• Head and eyes to the horizon line, above the audience
• Don't talk too much
• Follow impulses, don't stifle them
• Speak text through the elements - it's not you - it's you through the elements
• Give A LOT - but don't push
• Tension in the body - be engaged
• Have a good aura - fast unspecific movement doesn't help...stillness and slow specific movement does...(although you can move obviously)
• In the kingdom of the Gods! Destiny! Blood! Death! Honour!
• Pleasure
• Show something special of yourself every time you step on stage.

~

Watched the 2nd year Clown showing this evening too (before going to a never ending party).

Loved it! I always surprise myself when I laugh out loud. Because I hardly ever do it. But I did it a lot during tonight's show. Just people being idiots. Fantastic. I loved the opening gag in which one clown was trying to get Philippe to do the usual three drum beats. And then Philippe would just do one. Or then three, but a big gap before the third. And we see the frustration and awful attempt of this clown to explain exactly what he needs. Lots of fun. Then a little soiree at school afterwards to celebrate the end of term.

I now have three weeks off - in which "Got to have pleasure! Got to show something special! Got to risk! Got to say 'Watch out! I am coming! I will be amazing! So fuck you!' Got to present something worth presenting...every time!" - will be churning inside me. I'll also spend those three weeks in India, with my girlfriend. Christmas in Mumbai. New Years in Goa. Thinking of my friends and family. xxx

Joyeux Noël & Bonne Année!

1mm

I am eating myself up inside!

Today we had a four hour class with both groups (40 or so of us) in which we presented scenes to hopefully be selected for the showing on Friday. Because there were so many scenes to see Philippe said he's going to be extra nasty and when it's boring, he'd kill us. And he did.

Fuck! I'm pissed off. Frustrated and disappointed with myself. I got up three times (which I was proud of myself for) but didn't get selected for any of the times I got up.

The first with Claire - which I was quite calm for, and was working on not pushing and just speaking from Earth. And trying to find the crazy stick-wacking jungle thing I found last time. I thought I did alright. Technically I was very close to where I was last time. But..."boring." Why? "because we don't see pleasure in your eyes. It's mechanical."

Later on with Steph - trying to find what I had a while ago with Fire running around and jumping into the group of guards. Boom. I knew why. Pushed pushed pushed. It's so annoying! Because I'm really damn close to where I was last time. But pushed this time. The voice is being squeezed/forced out as opposed to riding off my body/movement/rhythm. Steph and I got together before class and discussed what we would do. I said to her I was sorry for not being more proactive/encouraging of us rehearsing. I'd been of the mind that we should just discover on stage together. Which is unusual for me because usually I'm a really planned organised kind of guy. But at this school I try and relax and go with the flow more. But I've realised there's a middle point. That actually rehearsal and preparation is really important. And it definitely doesn't stop us from exploring and playing and discovering on stage. If anything, it probably helps us, because then we're not having to think about other things. This think has also been spurred by a new book I've started reading: Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell.

It talks about how success isn't this mysterious thing that only exceptionally gifted people acquire. It's really caused by a wide variety of things - upbringing, where you went to school, what was happening in your city at the time, values, money, politics, your birthday, luck...and natural talent. But talent is actually a very small part of it. The real part of it is what you do with your talent. And it's shown that out of those that have natural talent, those who work really really hard will be more successful (e.g. a professional violinist as opposed to a very good amateur violinist). And it's said that to be an expert at something it takes approximately 10,000 hours to get there.

It makes sense of 'prodigies' like Michael Jackson or Tiger Woods. They got their 10,000 hours in a whole lot faster than everybody else because of a whole lot of practise. And this was made possible by the particular environment they happened to be brought up in.

So I'm thinking - right, I need to practise a whole lot more. It's not good enough to just wing it. And it makes me think I need to take opportunities to work all the time. Willem has done well as a director, and been more 'successful' than his other classmates because he's done so many more productions. Look at his CV and he's been BUSY! And every time he does a project he's learning lots of new skills and reinforcing and improving others. So...practise makes perfect. And a little revelation for me that good preparation is just as important as playing and being alive in the moment.

Finally, I got up at the end of the class and did my monologue. I was quite worked up by this point. Just really bummed with myself, as well as wanting to be selected really badly, and being scared and embarrassed to not have been. I started my Orestes monologue focussing on being lighter and taking my time. It was going well. But a wee way in Boom. "Boring." I'd forgotten about pleasure again. Damnit! Technically I think I was going well. But that's not enough. It's the whole package. And pleasure, it seems, is the key to an audience staying engaged with a performer. Technical isn't enough. Philippe said something about me having a sadness in the performance. I was playing Orestes as being sad (in face and voice and body) about what he was talking about - that his father has died and that killing his mother is now his torment. Which could have been underlining the text already. But Philippe said in Greek Tragedy the characters are in a world of gods and destiny. They are happy to die. (He also said something about 'Barbarian'). If I had had another chance to take on this direction I reckon I could have done it. But not today!

I spoke to Philippe about what I did afterwards and how I thought I wasn't far off what I did last time when it worked, and he agreed but said that we're working in really small subtle territory. "It's one millimetre. But that one millimetre is important." This makes me feel a bit better as I know that one millimetre is tiny and it's incredibly hard to get there time after time. It's subtle and requires real sensitivity, along with all the technical stuff, and most importantly pleasure. That's the big thing that's stuck with me today. Above all, I cannot forget to have fun and share it.

Philippe used me as an example of this at the end of the class. He got me to choose a girl 'I fancy' in the class - he asks "if there was anyone in the room you could have, who would you have?". Ha! I choose Maria-Louisa. He gets me to put my arms around her, holding her like we were slow dancing. And then tells us to dance to the music together as I speak text. I ask do I speak as an element or just as me? He makes a joke about how Maria-Louisa is a good enough element for the both of us. (Speak just as me). Then plays the jungle music he played a while ago when I was doing my scene with Claire. And as I'm bopping about and looking at the audience and speaking the text, I'm having fun. I'm having fun from the music, from dancing, from being with Maria-Louisa and feeling silly about that, having fun speaking text over all of this, and having fun being on stage with an audience. I come alive, and the audience loves me. I can't forget this. In whatever I do.

~

As for the others in my class. Most did the same as me. Only five scenes got selected. Ed. Ling & Mia. Andre & Daniele. Chiara. Ric. All had a feeling like they had been rehearsed - that they had something great to present - and that everything was in line on that millimetre. But only five scenes. Most of us didn't make it. Not even people like Pedro who was in my Characters course last year and has done all of 1st and 2nd year except Greek Tragedy. Or Anna, who in my eyes is an absolute star.

"Sometimes the audience opens you. Other times it kills you."

Most of us were boring - didn't give enough. A lack of pleasure. Or too heavy. Or the opposite of what they did last time. In a morbid way I'm slightly relieved that so many of us were killed. Well I don't know if that's the right way of putting it. But I'm glad others experienced the same thing as I did. The trouble is I'm comparing myself to others again. When really we are all different and I need to just focus on me and what I can do.

"Silence is important at the start before working...An actor has to calculate how they are going enter. How they are going to seduce the audience."

~

"Je suis spéciale."

~

We have to choose to show something special. About ourselves. Every time we go on stage. "We are looking for that. Special." Philippe spoke about how in one second he can see if an actor has decided to show something special or not. "It doesn't take three days...but it has to happen."

This eats me up a lot. Because I desperately want to be special. I want to show something special always. I want to be one of those actors. Really badly. I do! But it doesn't matter how much I want it. I just have to show it. To do it. And that is what I'm working on. But you can't force it. It can't be pushed (my problem). And it can't be done without pleasure. I kind of know where it is, what it feels like and where I'm aiming, but it's not easy to simply just do it. But I'll keep trying.

Remember for me: pleasure and lightness. Right now I'm still focussing too much on technicals and 'getting it right'. Where as if I had rehearsed a lot perhaps I wouldn't have had to focus on technicals and instead could just be present with the audience showing something special. Argh!

I love how Philippe has been so brutal right at the end of this workshop, which is also the end of the term. So I'm going to have three weeks holidays now chewing over this idea of showing something special, with pleasure and lightness. = A little crisis he's deliberately put a lot of us in. In the hopes that we'll come back with something. And I will. I want to bring something right now!

~

After class I went with a bunch of us to a showing of the Second Years' work at Le Coq. Cool to go there! It's not far from where I live really. And it's a place with a lot of history associated with me - via teachers I have had. Le Coq is in my whakapapa.

Gaulier. Bolton. McCrory. (Woah!)

The showing was cool - lots of little things they had made. It sounds great there - every Friday they have to show something. So tonight was a collection of things they had made and shown, and that were selected to be shown tonight. Showing something every Friday sounds like such a good initiative. It makes sense of John Bolton's way of working now. And this shared expectation from my teachers to really present something of quality every time you show something/perform. At Le Coq, I can't imagine you'd be that happy about presenting something you didn't think was any good. There were a few Training-like movement-y scenes which were a bit physical theatre-wanky what I expected from Le Coq to be honest. But they were good. Clear, and imaginative. Just not really to my taste. Although actually, they totally have their place and I did enjoy them on the whole. I totally loved the half-mask stuff they did though. Really fun. Big clear characters and scenarios. Little Lazzi's. Made me think I could easily dedicate a good amount of my time to a form like that (although Jacob Rajan owns that territory in NZ!). But next term I'll get to have a go! Great!

Interesting watching the work at Le Coq also, because it seems like there is more of an emphasis on the ensemble than on the individual. However in the ensemble it was quite clear to me who those performers who showed something special. That extra little something. The stars within the group. And I love how Philippe is trying to teach us all to have that quality.

One more day of class! Watching the 2nd year Clown show afterwards. Then party. Then a day to get everything sorted for India. Then Sunday...India!

Back Down To Rock Bottom...

Straight into scenes today.

• Maria and Rocio - Maria dressed as a secretary. Philippe said she looked like an air hostess, and so got her to do safety announcements in spanish, and then again as if the plane was about to crash, and then with Greek Tragedy text. "This one is good...you are open...we see your fun...we see many things." Rocio is still having trouble getting out of traditional theatre acting - which seems to be a big thing right now in class. We have to do something different. Something surprising. Something unconventional. Something unique to us. And that's really hard.

"You don't have to start in theatre. You don't have to wear the hat of theatre. You can't need the theatre. The theatre has to need you."

"If you enter in a normal way, that is bad theatre."

• Brette - Her pink wasn't working last like time. This, in my point of view, is because she wasn't really playing pink anymore. She had practised it and got stuck in a rhythm. So what she did was the idea of what she did last time. As opposed to just being in the moment. Philippe played music in the background - opera - "Listen to the music." As actors we need to be able to 'listen to the music' all the time without there actually being any music there. That's why it's so important to have the imagination engaged and free.

• Mia and Ling - Philippe got Mia to dress like a cowboy and Ling like a bar maid at a saloon. We also made a little saloon set. And Philippe played western music. Ling was brilliant just mucking around playing with two bottles of water we set up for her. Stealing the show just shaking them and pouring water from one bottle to the other. "She's a bastard. She plays very well. So you [Mia] have to take the game. It's your turn to be major. So take it." (This is the frustration I had doing The Great Gatsby earlier this year. I tried to propose that we work together in this way, but it seemed like it was being encouraged to be 'supportive' by dropping the potential scene stealing, rather than present a challenge for your scene partner to meet and beat.) But also, when it was Ling's turn to be in major and Mia was approaching Philippe said "Let her have it. Don't enter in her game". Mia eventually found something in this frustrated rant she was doing in french, which she then put text over. "In this way we see something beautiful coming." And Ling was incredible. Really stunning. And Philippe said so too. She was alive and unique, small and then big, with different rhythms and good fixed point. I don't know exactly what she was playing but it was beautiful.

And then back down to rock bottom...

Actually, not nearly this bad.

At the end of class Steph and I got up to do out Medea/Jason scene once again. We set up the scaffold tower, and had the guards, and were in costume. I didn't do any element movement this time. Just tried to do it from the inside. I initially chose Water, which was stopped because it was so boring. I then changed it and chose Ice. Which didn't get stopped. I went with it, and then I kind of got a bit out of control. Well, I wasn't out of control, I was controlling what I was doing. But what I was doing was awful. Jumping between icy voice to screaming with anger and tension. Trying to be dramatic and different - trying to be a bit like Ling when she was great earlier today - but not really doing the simple things I'd learned to do over the course of this workshop. And then when it came to Steph's text she was stopped for being boring. Philippe compared me to someone who had been constipated for 6 weeks. "Ugly Ugly Ugly. Pushed Pushed Pushed."

And now, I'm feeling a bit rough. A bit because I feel bad about getting up and working when there were others who haven't been up as much as me. But I was getting up to work with Steph, who hasn't worked as much. And people knew that. But I also felt bad because in the scene that was the opportunity for Steph to work, my long monologue at the beginning of our scene took up most of our time. But hey - we didn't have long on stage anyhow. And last time when Steph and I worked it was mostly Steph who spoke text and I took the back seat. So I don't need to feel bad about these things.

We just finished on a downer because we were bad, and then the class was over. Whereas everyone else was bad, then worked with Philippe and found something, and finished fairly positively. But I know what I did that stuffed it up. I rushed and didn't take my time (because I knew I had a big monologue and wanted to get to a place where Steph could work), which meant that a) I spoke too fast like a washing machine, and b) didn't sink into playing any specific element. I kind of played the idea of something I thought might look good. But really, I threw out a whole lot of things I've learnt in this course. Which is a dumb thing to do.

• Take my time.
• Know what I'm playing and play.
• Don't talk too much.

- "Don't talk too much" is a question for me though, because others have been able to sometimes (and it has only been sometimes, actually) speak a lot of text really quickly. Whereas I always feel like when I speak with space between words it is slow and unnatural. But maybe I should just trust that it's not. Because I haven't been told that it's bad when I've done it.

Also thinking that Steph and I should have rehearsed more. We haven't really rehearsed, and that's been mostly because I have been of the opinion that it's fine for us to explore and discover on stage. Which is partly true, but when it comes to showing something it's not so valid. And also, even with rehearsal you should still be able to explore and discover. Perhaps even better. Plus, if we had rehearsed we may have developed a better complicité with each other. Although Claire and I did no rehearsals together yet we still made the scene work and have complicité so I'm not sure.

But I am sure that I can do what I didn't manage to do today. I need to get back to the simple things. The only challenge is getting the rhythm and voice without the movement. Or with much smaller movement. But that's not impossible.

We show our scenes tomorrow in order to be picked or not for Friday's showing. I'm going to have three things to show tomorrow. Which is more than anyone I think. Feel a bit silly about that. But oh well. You gotta grab it and run I say!

Also noted some things that are good to have as a teacher

1. Good collection of music in a variety of genres
2. A bunch of costume items for quick transformations
3. Simple set objects like tables, chairs and ladders.

"GIVE ME THE BODIES TO BURY AND TO MOURN THEM!"

Time is running out for this workshop now. Only three more classes to go. And you can feel that people are forcing themselves to get up before it's too late. Jamie said this always happens. People wait at the beginning then rush at the end, and inevitably some people miss out. I felt a little bad for getting up today because of this. Because I'd gotten up yesterday too. But I was going up today so that Claire could work on her scene (as Akron wasn't in class today), and also, in a way 'you snooze you loose'. Often after Philippe has said "alors, who?" and there's a long silence in which nobody gets up, I will get up, because what's the point in wasting that time? I do try to let other have their go but if nobody takes it I will. (Such a change from my last time at this school - more confidence, less fear).

So when Philippe sent Christine to get changed Claire and I got up and did the Jason/Medea scene. No help this time. More of 'go and present me something - lifting the stakes a bit now.' I played steel. "He gives a lot." Claire was having trouble. We went off to get changed - her in white and me in Greek Tragedy cloak. We then did our scene with the scaffolding tower fallen on the ground like a fort. And Claire sitting on a chair inside it. And me on the outside of it, with a stick which I could hit the fort with. "Play with the rhythm of hitting whilst you speak." Claire still had trouble giving enough. She was quite afraid and visibly. "I'm holding back because I don't want to push." But she was pushing in a way. Philippe kept asking questions to the audience throughout the scene - "is she boring?" - which I guess is his way of helping her. Of putting a certain amount of pressure on her to try and get her to do something else. To take a risk. To surprise herself. Sometimes this works. But today Claire wasn't coping with it so well, although she definitely tried. But bigger leaps are required I think.

He eventually got her to speak like the Queen of England, and then the wife of a Canadian Prime Minister, and then as if her lips were really tight and she had to push to get the words out (Claire is doing 2nd year Clown right now too, and in both class she keeps getting told she is "too nice"). She started to find something with this aching uncomfortable way of talking. It fit the text too (although oddly, most things do, which makes me think as a director - approach the actor first, not the text). I was standing to the side of the action with my stick for a while whilst Claire worked, trying to be Earth in a human way and feeding in to her. But when it was my turn I thumped into this booming earthy voice with strong and slow movement. People laughed a bit at first, because it was ridiculous compared to the rather domestic level that Claire had been playing at, but I stayed with it. Every time I had text Philippe played this jungle-beat music underneith me and got me to go bigger and bigger. So soon I was wacking my stick against the scaffolding and leaping here and there basically screaming with my voice. Big eyes. Full of violence. Towards the end I was actually trying to find other shades, to be less full on, but Philippe wanted me to go bigger. "Give us five times as much." So I was being huge. Really big. Screaming:

"GIVE ME THE BODIES TO BURY AND TO MOURN THEM!"

"Not bad...it could be good theatre."

I was surprised again that Philippe didn't say I was pushing. Because I was at the end of my voice, and really giving a lot with my body and energy. I was really loud and really big. But he said nothing to me about pushing. Where as Claire was really small compared to me yet he said she was pushing. I guess it's not about scale. It's about whether you push what you're giving, or just give it. That's perhaps not the most articulate way of putting it. But it's a bit like those 'giving presents' exercises Tom McCrory used to make us do. And I guess there you can force a gift on to someone (HAPPY BIRTHDAY! LOVE ME!!) or just give the gift in a way that lets the receiver receive it on their own accord. Anyway, if I can go that big and be told it's "not bad" then I'm going to trust that I can go there. And oh boy, it's fun when I go there. I love being that big. It's a rush.

Rocio and Maria got up after us. Philippe got Rocio (who he says has the disease of having 'the shitty theatre - Théâtre de la Merde - stuck in her head, probably because of her professional theatre experience) to act as if she were an overweight Spanish woman who worked in a Renault car workshop, and had a young worker called Pablo who she occasionally made short but passionate love to.

Like this she was alive and having fun. Instantly watchable. "She is Clytemnestra in a garage." He got her to scream in spanish "I want your body! Not your soul. Just your body!" Amazing how something so unlikely, so surprising, can make the scene work. And it's because it is unique to Rocio the actress. And when we see her alive, we see the character alive. Again: the actor first, then the character. In the past I've always thought it was the other way round.

Anna said something good today when people were discussing whether or not they were going to get time in class to work with Philippe before we 'present' on Thursday in front of both classes, in order to be chosen to show on Friday. She said "It's really all about what you discover when you do it" and I totally agree. Although I still haven't totally shaken off the want to be told 'I'm good', or to just get the exercise 'right'. But I'm getting much better. And after today, I felt very little need for reassurance. My time on stage is for me and my learning. Got to remind myself of this.

By the way...I noticed page views of my blog spiked yesterday. Suddenly got 120 views. I'm pretty sure there aren't that many active readers. Funnily enough, they spiked (mostly from USA) on the day I posted a picture of John Key alongside a joke about race relations in New Zealand. Maybe with all this WikiLinks hoohah they're keeping a very close eye on the internet.

Sorry CSI. I'm not your man.

"Not Bad...Not Bad At All...Even Good...Good"

"Neutral Mask Exercise: Imitate Winter and Spring

My winter was okay. My spring was "strange". It's clear that when imitating elements of nature the movement needs to be fluid.

Neutral Mask Trial Exercise: Imitate paintings of famous artists.

I got up to give Van Gogh a go with Mia...But I could only really think of this painting:

I ended up doing swirls with my body but it was awful! "Good bye Guy." Mia was great though. She was making different shapes and playing with different rhythms with her body. She might become yellow for a bit, then blue, then black, then a sharp angle, then a blotch of paint...

Greek Tragedy Text showings:

• Franck: "We don't see enough of his pleasure - his fun. We see nothing...Not enough life of a human being...Not enough jokes." Philippe got him to growl like a pig and it helped Franck be present with us (as he often goes somewhere else) and to have some fun. "So put a pig in your body."

• Christine: "You play too much...so many small things...full of bad ideas." It's true. It was bad. Even with the fantastic tramp costume he got her to wear, along with soaking wet hair. You could see she was wanting to be loved, but what she offered were little tricks and anecdotes that weren't shared with us. Whereas simpler and stiller would have been far better. You don't need to do a lot. It's riskier to do less in fact.

• Moi: I got up and tried out the Orestes monologue I had learnt.

My monologue is from the ending of The Oresteia: Choephori (The Libation Bearers) by Aeschylus, after Orestes has killed his mother, and then finds that he hasn't ended the chaos his mother has caused at all, but rather, has sent it spinning further.

It was not a sin to kill my mother.

From head to foot she was

polluted with my father's blood.

...

Ah! Look there, look!

Women, in grey cloaks,

with the faces of Gorgons.

They are coming.

...

Apollo you did not warn me!

...

You cannot see them but I see them.

You cannot feel their whips but I feel them. Ah!

I started off with Black and Fire as my elements. I was really in my body and voice, just playing the rhythm and tension of the element.

My Black was thick and slow with my body - a 6 tension. With a slow and then snappy rhythm and a breathy snake-like voice. My Fire was on-voice, sometimes shouty, with jumpy erratic movement. I jumped between these two elements as I spoke the text. Then Philippe got me to bring in Snow towards the end - which was light, soft, and airy in my body and voice - and eventually he got me to minimise the movement of playing 'snow' with my body and just keep it in my voice and rhythm. Towards the end of my text he got me to walk backwards slowly, getting softer with my voice.

"Not Bad...Not Bad At All...Even Good...Good."

I felt great that I had done well - that I could do the thing I've been wanting to do. I knew I could do it but to do it and have it confirmed/reassured feels good, even though I know that is a bit needy. Philippe hardly worked with me at all compared to others though. He just let me do what I did basically, which means I was doing well without him I think. This makes me think I've now got to explore more - and do it for myself, not for approval - and that there is plenty more that I can give.

In it I felt focussed, free, and present. Like "I am coming...watch out". Really taking the space and my time. Good body, tall, eyes, playing. Giving a lot. Pleasure. Not doing too much. Just committing to playing one element at a time and exploring.

Next time I would like to try humanising the elements from the start (I spoke to Jamie afterwards and she said for a real Greek Tragedy production you would minimise the movement but keep the rhythm and voice inside), and see if I can find more specificity and colours. Explore more within each element, and perhaps do more elements within the monologue. But not too many.

"So polite..."

Philippe cracked me up today! I got up first to do my Greek text but said if anybody hasn't been before then they should go. And Philippe started teasing me for being polite...which is apparently typical of New Zealanders.

"We didn't kill as many Aboriginals as the Australians...

I love the Maori (kiss kiss)...

I love your culture (kiss kiss)...

I love your language (kiss kiss)...

We are not racist (kiss kiss)...

We have taken your country (kiss kiss)...

We give you a sandwich (kiss kiss)..."

Dinosaurs, Peter Brook and Gift Giving

Friday night: La Vieille et la Bête at Théâtre de la Commune.

Quite beautiful and very skilled puppet and mask work. From the start I was concerned about the main performer Ilka Schönbein's health (there was also a woman who played the piano throughout the show who was a fantastically alive and playful performer). She was very very skinny, and playing grotesque characters, and for me her grotesqueness combined with the grotesqueness of the show was a bit much for me. I felt a bit prejudiced by the end really, because what she did throughout the evening was incredible. But I was a bit spooked out. And I'm not really attracted to the grotesque. I like pretty things? I dunno. I think probably yes, even though saying that makes me cringe. I can see why she likes the grotesque though. And that's cool.

Saturday day:

Went to the Muséum National d'Histoire Naturelle with Lorenzo to go and see the Dinosaurs! A boys dream! We were both sharing our dreams about Dinosaurs, and our memories of Jurassic Park.

Really old-school like in 'Night at the Museum'

Mean.

Saturday night:

Une Flûte Enchantée (The Magic Flute)

directed by Peter Brook

at Théâtre des Bouffes du Nord

Fantastically simple and clear. Beautiful singing. Actors were tall and free - great for Greek Tragedy!

In the past month I've seen theatre by Théâtre du Soleil, Théâtre de Complicité and Peter Brook. All for a total price of under 50€...not bad.

Magic. Community (food and drink). Simplicity. Imagination. These are core elements of all of these productions that have made them special for me. I want to bring these into the theatre I make back home. I'm going to make sure these things are there. I think it's totally possible to offer some food before a show, and create a bit of theatre magic as simple as covering the stage with a sheet and then pulling it down at the beginning of the show.

I've also been thinking lately about how the theatre industry is essentially a gift industry (all arts industries are). This thought is spurred by something Christian said to me when we were discussing how to market a future season of Caucasian Chalk Circle, and also from a book I'm reading at the moment called The Wisdom of Crowds - Why the Many Are Smarter Than the Few.

It's been a bit of a shift for me to think about Theatre as a gift as opposed to a commercial venture, because I really want to make money in my career - I don't want to be a poor artist that does everything for little to nothing. But it does make sense to me that when we make theatre we are creating something without necessarily knowing or thinking that we are going to get anything in return. We are making a gift, that we give when the show opens. We may receive something in return, but we might not, and anyway that's not what it's about. It's the act of giving that makes us feel whole. This I guess is why funding for the arts is important because people won't give if they don't have the money or time to do so. So in a way arts funding is like giving people enough money to create gifts to give the world. Théâtre du Soleil's show is a prime example of a 'gift'. Watching it, you feel the love that has gone into what is being gifted. It's a 'It's the thought that counts' kind of gift. And as an audience member you leave feeling like something special has been made just for you. So I like this idea of gift giving. It frames what I'm embarking in a career of (gift giving, in the form of theatre) well. But how to money at the same time...hmmm...

Sunday night:

Christmas dinner at Andre's place. Bring a plate from your country. I brought shish kebabs to have on the barbie.

Obviously the grotesqueness of 'La Vieille et la Bête' has influenced me subconsciously...

Actually this is what they looked like.

A great night. Full of singing and laughter, amazing food (Spanish Omelette, Tiger Prawns, Foie Gras) and drink (Vin Chaud & Egg Nog).

Be Careful. I Am Coming.

We started today with a game of dancing with a partner and secretly winking if you're bored. And if Philippe accuses you of being bored with your partner you have to lie and convince him otherwise. I had a great time lying that "I love Mike" and that "if I had a European Passport I would give it to him because he really, really needs one".

Chiara:

Philippe got her to dress really smartly as a man, and led her to walk slowly and speak with a lower voice. She eventually was whipping out pretend guns with her hands and blowing away the smoke.

"We don't say 'Ah! She want's to be here for sure'...we are not sure you want to give everything. A bit of hesitation. We can see that. But we can see you could be absolutely beautiful if you say one day 'Be Careful! I am coming."

Emma:

Philippe got her to dress in white, to wet her hair, and to wear black lipstick. Then to speak in a posh upperclass British accent (which he's asked her to do a few times - I imagine because she is British and could have fun making fun of people from her home she thinks are ridiculous). She ended up singing a lullaby - a key in to her finding sensitivity in herself and with us - and then spoke from that place.

Thomas:

Dressed like a bit of boy scout, Thomas was led by Philippe to sing patriotic Austrian songs. Eventually Thomas was banging Philippe's drum in a marching beat and screaming out his text like a Nazi. Philippe then got Anna to be his blonde sister, holding on to his arm and looking into Thomas' eyes now and then as if she really really loved him. It was totally alive. Hilarious. And a bit scary. "A fascist. But a bit sentimental." Good sentimental.

"It's good to always have something...like earth...Then it's not you speaking. You are less scared. It is you speaking through earth."

"It's fucking difficult to exist in the imagination of the spectator."

This idea of as actor I need to always come on stage with the idea 'Be careful...I am coming' has stuck with me. It's about confidence, challenge, fun, risk, and self-belief. When an actor comes on stage with this I am almost always happy to have them on stage (I'm only not when they are aggressive). I feel safe with them as an audience. Whereas when an actor is doubtful and nervous I usually worry about them. This 'Be careful...I am coming' will be the thing I saw in the second year actors when I watched the Clown showing a month ago. I find it really inspiring and I'm getting closer to having this attitude when I come on stage everyday. I can feel it.

By the way, I've been writing 'Chorifeur' for the french word that means chorus leader. But it's actually spelt 'Coryphée', which is like 'Coryphaeus'- a Greek word meaning 'the top of the head'.

Also, I tried on a red nose today and looked at myself in the mirror and fell in love with the red nose - and myself with it on! I'm going to have to find a way to return and do mask now!

Stealing A Diamond From The Louvre ©

Movement: Had a great Movement class with Lauradana today. I love that she brings such enthusiasm, wackiness, and fun to the room. Simple things like in exercises including silly things like bum-slaps, kisses, dancing, little performances, and shouting 'HACHUERA!!' when we're all in pain.

Improvisation: Today was a better day in improvisation with Pablo. Partly swayed because I did better today, but also because he was less harsh in his criticism and lighter at the same time. There was a bit less talk and I got more of the feeling that he really wanted to help us. Whereas before it's felt like he's just fed up with us.

Neutral Mask Exercise: 'Stealing A Diamond From The Louvre ©'

(copyright because Pablo came up with it today)

The events: you jump through a window and arrive in a cleaning room, you open the door and find yourself in the corridors of The Louvre. You pass through a few rooms then go up a flight of stairs. You then see a guard walking up and down a hall way. You cross it at the right time, and then come to the room with the diamond. You approach carefully, take the diamond...AND THE SIRENS GO OFF! AND YOU RUN BACK THE SAME WAY YOU CAME! BACK DOWN THE STAIRS! THEN YOU TRIP UP AND DROP THE DIAMOND! YOU SCRAMBLE TO FIND IT THEN CONTINUE RUNNING TO THE CLEANING ROOM, JUMP OUT THE WINDOW. YOU'RE SAFE. YOU LOOK AT THE DIAMOND AND THEN TAKE ONE STEP TOWARDS YOUR NEW LIFE.

When I got up I was trying to work on being engaged in the body, moving like there were high stakes, and creating the space by looking around and responding to what I see with my body (e.g. when I enter into a large room, my chest opens). Pablo stopped me a few times. The looking around doesn't work. So I tried playing with rhythms. Nope. "Just let each moment effect you." So I tried to change my body in different scenarios. Nope. Pablo then said "look at me, then look at the clock on the wall." I did, and the class laughed because I had clearly changed. I was confused, as I hadn't done anything other than turn my head and look somewhere else. But energetically yes things had changed. And that has to happen every time I move through the space with a mask on. So how?

I did it again. And Pablo helped me out. He guided me through it. Ironically, because I've been bitching about him helping people, I found it really useful. But it was good because it wasn't help through a conversation. Anyway, basically I learnt that you have to have an impulse, let it grow, and move with it. For me, it's like you turn with an impulse, your turn should lead you into some kind of body shape, you feel that shape, think - what is my game? what do I want? where am I heading?, then you move with that shape. So if I've turned with a low tense body, then I might go to crawl on the floor. You can also grow, or minimise the shape, say, if you wanted to then run.

I learnt that you can't compartmentalise the work though. You can't work on one thing and it will work (which is what I was trying to do). You have to have them all at the same time.

• Imagination
• Rhythm
• Pace
• Eyes - see the space
• Body
• Tensions

When I looked at the close all of these things changed ever so slightly.

• We need to see the actors decisions.

• The scene should be one big impulse, with lots of little ones along the way. "It happens from the start. Not after you've got the diamond."

Pablo spoke today about how the Neutral Mask teaches us how to be neutral, and in doing this teaches us about what makes us fundamentally different from everybody else. What is unique and special about ourselves. It also teaches us things that get in the way of that uniquely special stuff. Things that can be cut away. For me, I need to cut out the tension in my feet and hands.

I still found Pablo unclear today, but better. Usually I just translate for myself when a teacher doesn't use language that works for me, but with what he says it's often mysterious and intangible (eg "let the impulses go in" or "let us see the space"). However after I had experienced it today, and spoken to Pablo a bit about it at break time, I can see it much more clearly. Whereas before I couldn't. And when that's the case it's like walking in the dark. I would try to make active changes, like, 'this time I'll play with rhythm' but I learnt today that you can't really compartmentalise. It's rhythm and pace and body and eyes and tension and imagination and impulse, all at the same time. If I imagine the Louvre but do nothing else, the mask isn't alive. If I engage my body but don't look at the space, the mask isn't alive. It really is all or nothing. So it's difficult.

Ripped Pants

This morning I went to get my medical check to complete the final stage of getting my visa verified (OH MY GOD FRANCE!!).

Shaaaame! When my name was called out, I got up, tripped up on two people sitting in front of me, bailed, and completely ripped my pants. Completely. Shame. :S

But, after entering 4 different rooms for short checks (read this, stand there, take off your shirt, pose for the X-ray machine), and acting like my pants were supposed to look like that, I finally got my sticker (mon auto-collant)...which means I can enter and exit the country. Which is a relief considering I'm going to India in less than 2 weeks...

Due to the snow Philippe was late to class today. So he denounced himself and tried to get 20 kisses. It was hilarious! It went one by one to each of us and charmed/apologized to us. "Guy. I have mocked you a lot. Often I go home and regret just how much mocking I have done to you..."

In class, Andre and Daniele continued to work their scene. Andre ended up doing all if his lines consecutively because Daniele didn't reply in Italian...so he just kept going. He was great. Big aura, good body, movement, timing/rhythm/pace, and voice. "It's good...Good space."

• In Greek Tragedy, look up - not in the eyes of your partner.

Daniele had trouble giving enough - he often seems quite low energy/bored on stage. Philippe got him to speak like he was a young Italian communist wanting to change the world. This gave him a better impulse. Then he got him to speak like an Actor - an angry artist - which gave him a sense of pride and stilled his body. Philippe spoke about how as an audience "we don't think he plays artist, we just see tall, open, beautiful..."

Then Mike did a monologue as Clytemnestra. Philippe got him dressed in a Greek tragedy cloak, with a black curly wig and makeup like a Geisha. He got him to hold a stick and move as if he were blind which made him much more sensitive. He got him to do little screams each time he beat his drum which got Mike to play. And he got his arms tied small and made him into a Bouffon then got him to speak like a camp hairdresser, which made him really loosen up and have fun.

Philippe said it was really good. He said Mike didn't mock when he performed, which is difficult to do considering he was playing a woman. I was actually surprised that Philippe said it was good because I found him annoying to watch because I could see him doubting and judging himself and also because he kept coming out of what he was doing and asking stupid questions and generally being a bit difficult. So I think I let personal things sway my point if view. And as Andre said to me later, it was really good for Mike. And it was a huge step for him. I think I also am a bit jealous!

• Bouffon is the opposite of Greek Tragedy - ugly, dwarves, freaks, handicapped. Greek Tragedy is tall, beautiful, strong, healthy.

Feeling a bit like I'm running out of time to 'prove myself' in this course, to be 'good', as there aren't many days left, and now that classes are focussing on scenes only a few people get stage time everyday. I'm feeling this because I don't feel I have totally gone there yet (even though I think I actually have a few times), because there is going to be a showing of scenes next week and I'd like to be chosen for it, and because I have the urge to try and be as great as Anna and Andre have been onstage. I know all of these, or most of these thoughts, are silly - coming from an insecure and needy place - buuuut lately I've been feeling them a bit. But what can you do? Just get on with it. Relax and enjoy it. Take in everything (I haven't acted onstage for a few days yet I've still learned loads from observing) and when it comes to my time to work, cherish it. It's funny though, I find myself preparing far less at this school than I would for auditions or at drama school. People in class are rehearsing scenes, yet I feel more relaxed and willing to discover it in the moment. Although I think really a mix of both approaches would be better. That's why I've been learning a new monologue - to prepare and then make a strong offer. Although to be honest there's a little dream in my head of performing this monologue and being amazing and chosen for the showing. But I've also learnt it because my scene as Jason, and my scene as Orestes (if I end up ever doing it as Katy has been away due to a funeral) are both in angry bloodthirsty ready-to-kill states, and I'd like to try something a bit different.

It dumped down with snow today! It just started when I arrived at school, and when I left it was EVERYWHERE! And deep! So of course...mega snow fight!!

Thomas about to pummel us!

David about to get what he deserves!

Mia and Thomas did their train busking set outside at the Sceaux station cause the trains were majorly delayed and there were heaps of people waiting around. We sang Xmas carols after. What great friends I have!

Tonight I also had an Impromptu Christmas soirée at my place in which we watched Steph's favourite Xmas movie 'White Christmas' (Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye were great!

Full of play and pleasure! And aren't those old sets and little nudges to the audience that it's not real beautiful?) and had popcorn, mull wine and chocolate. A really lovely night :)

I also was reflecting as I walked through the snow towards school (with my ripped pants) how lucky I am to be here in Paris. How lucky I am to have the support of my friends and family. How lucky I am to have the money to allow me to do this. How lucky I am to have been brought up in an environment in which following your dreams is a good thing. I'm so lucky to be here at this time in my life. And I'm very thankful for the opportunity.

The Kingdom of the Gods

1. Only 7 people in movement class today... Tout moins et ce sera une catastrophe!

2. We got straight to scenes today. First was Maria-Luisa and David, with the same Jason & Medea scene but in Spanish (isn't that so cool?).

This is a painting of Medea by Anthony Frederick...don't you think it looks like Salma Hayek??

Philippe got Maria-Luisa to dress in the white dress/white face/pink cheeks look that seems to be in fashion right now, and David to wear smart contemporary clothes. Then he got M-L to sit in this supermarket shopping trolley which we had softened with white cloths and put two dummies to represent the two children she murdered in. I was one of four guards who pushed the trolley slowly forwards towards the audience, and then back again. David stood to the side, closer to the audience holding a walking cane. Philippe got M-L to shout like a fishmonger from Mexico - harsh and ugly.

And he encouraged her to go much bigger with a laugh she discovered. In general, often actors don't give enough - they don't fill what is needed - and that's actually a lot! Meanwhile he led David to be much more sensitive and gentle than would be conventional. And when David went to burst into anger where it would have made sense, but be conventional and predictable, Philippe stopped him and kept him in the sensitive place he was in before.

This makes me think about this idea of not being conventional. My first thought is to just play the opposite of what you would usually play in a moment/scene, but I know this is not really sensible. I guess it's just what Philippe often says: "finding another way".

By the way, I'm aware that in this blog I say "Philippe led this and said this..." and it might sound like the whole course is this giant masterclass where everyone gets fixed... But it's really not like that. The discoveries made are always the actors'. That's what is so special and unique about the school. Philippe is just a very very good facilitator of actors discovering things about themselves. He has good instincts, and is pretty good at seeing where a particular person might shine.

Back to M-L and David! I didn't really get to see it cause I was behind it, and in it, but they did great. Philippe was surprised because M-L is 23 years old, and he seemed to imply that age is an advantage for performance (which makes me feel good too because I'm still relatively young!) and said both actors were beautiful.

He then spoke about how what we saw with M-L and David is not really Greek Tragedy, but that this doesn't matter. It was beautiful. And when an actor is discovering something beautiful it is not worth stopping them just to keep them within a particular form.

"We don't always have to get the point of Greek Tragedy...sometimes we have to get the point of acting."

"If it's good, keep it. It's your treasure. Don't destroy it. It's not easy to get something good."

But in case you're interested in what Greek Tragedy is, Greek Tragedy is the Kingdom of the Gods. The Kingdom of the beautiful tall Greek Gods. (Bouffon is Kingdom of the Devil).

"Don't bend your body. It is forbidden. The Gods look for those who are scared to die. You say...fuck you God! I will die a hero! With a great fixed point...and a tall beautiful body...facing my destiny!"

There are no references in Greek Tragedy. The reason M-L was not totally in the form of Greek Tragedy was because her playing of the fishmonger was a reference - to something of our world. "We can't say her father was a butcher...we say her father was a god - two metres tall, with muscles!" Whereas when Anna did Medea last week her playing was still abstract - not directly referencing our world - "we don't know where she comes from". "Greek Tragedy doesn't have reference like you do in Shakespeare and Chekhov."

Afterwards, Andre and Daniele showed a scene from Antigone. Andre, as Kreon, worked on being steel. "You can be steel...but a steel father." This kind of answered a question in my head, because I've been wondering how much of the element/material do you play and how much of a 'normal' character do you play. It seemed like Andre was still holding steel within, although he had humanised it. However it was also a bit boring. He could give more. Philippe ended up getting Andre to walk along two seating benches yelling the text like a furiously angry Zeus, with dramatic opera music behind him. And it was BEAUTIFUL. I burst into laughter. Loud hearty laughter. Because he brought so much life to the room suddenly. It's wonderful when that happens at this school. When somebody shows their beauty like that. Ugh. It's unforgettable stuff.

"Risk Is The Best Thing"

Risk is so important for artists. It's how discoveries are made. It is scary, and it is safer not to risk, but we never get anywhere quickly that way. Since the beginning of my time at this school I'm getting better at risking. I'm risking often. I'm training myself to risk. And to commit to the risk - to follow it - to see where it goes...even if it flops...

Today we started by imitating Cacti. Most of us were bad (I was "too mechanical").



Philippe then also gave us the option, if we thought a Cactus was too difficult, or if we just didn't picture ourselves as a Cactus, then we could be a potato.

• "The text is the music of the movement" (they are different)

Rocio and Maria showed their Clytemnestra/Elektra scene. Again, he got them to go and dress up. Rocio in white with a whitened face and red lipstick, and Maria in Greek Tragedy cloak. Jamie ('the assistant') said he does this because it gives the actor something extra - it helps them fill the role. To start, he got Rocio to play the colour white and Maria the colour orange. Jamie questioned his choice and Philippe replied: "When you're a teacher and you suggest something that could be an idiot idea...DO IT! DO! IT! Something beautiful may come. We don't know. You never know."

He got us to tie Rocio's hands between two scaffold towers and told her not to struggle, just to accept. Rocio then spoke, and he asked her not to talk so much (as Spaniards always talk too much) but she couldn't really get it. She kept talking too often, not leaving spaces in between.

"Take a risk. Everybody is happy when you have done something unconventional." Rocio could have risked by leaving much bigger gaps between her speech. She may have discovered something. But not today. It's frustrating. She was visibly upset afterwards. With herself I'm sure. But this reiterates to me that risking is really hard to do!

• "The risk is the best thing. In an audition, if you take a risk you'll wake up the director and get the part."

• "You have to be special otherwise you don't exist."

Whilst Rocio and Maria went and got costumed up I went on stage with Claire and did the same scene as I did on Friday with Steph (as Claire's partner Akron didn't have his text ready yet). "International actor" Philippe joked about me. We got to choose materials to play. I chose Black. I did a kind of tense open body, and spoke in a loud whisper. "You were not so bad...I'm annoyed because I wanted to say something bad about you." I've actually been surprised lately because I've been getting a lot of 'not so bads' when doing this element work. I think it's because I'm getting better at trying something, committing to it, and exploring it, and not doing conventional things (maybe I suck at animals because I fall into conventional ideas where as there aren't any conventional ways of playing the colour black are there?). Anyway - Philippe says stay with Black. "You have something to explore with black."

Philippe spoke a bit about being unconventional today. He said you have to be special. Not of your culture or tradition.

• "We don't dream around traditional theatre. It's awful. We have to find something else."

• "You can't imitate something. You have to do something special for you."

I find this way of approaching acting so inspiring.

Basquait/Cabaret/Cheese

Friday night:

Had a quiet night after playing with Céleste and Paul. Andre came round and we drank beers in my room.

(4€ for 10 x 25cl bottles...cheaper than water!)

Saturday:

Went to a Jean-Michel Basquait exhibition with Lorenzo.


Cool art. Reminds me of Shadon's scribbles. A mix of graffiti, pop culture, and doodles. That then got serious, and druggy.

Then came home (to cook the good but cold potatoes, sausages and chicken we bought from the street markets) and watched Man On Wire.


Amazing story! The guy that did the tight rope walk, Philippe Petit, is an incredible character. Quite a sad ending however with broken friendships.

Had a nap (super tired) then went to a Gaulier party with a Cabaret event!

Hosted by Ed and Charles from Bristol, there were a bunch of acts - from circus, marionnette puppets, ukelele, burlesque, clown, comedy, poetry...C'était fantastique!

Sunday:

Went shopping for cheap shoes (as mine are on their last legs), learnt some Greek Tragedy text, and made risotto with Anna and watched The Diving Bell And The Butterfly.

Beautiful film. All in the perspective of a man who's had a stroke, is completely paralyzed, and can only communicate by blinking. He ends up writing a book by using blinking as a language tool. A true story too!