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I am eating myself up inside!

Today we had a four hour class with both groups (40 or so of us) in which we presented scenes to hopefully be selected for the showing on Friday. Because there were so many scenes to see Philippe said he's going to be extra nasty and when it's boring, he'd kill us. And he did.

Fuck! I'm pissed off. Frustrated and disappointed with myself. I got up three times (which I was proud of myself for) but didn't get selected for any of the times I got up.

The first with Claire - which I was quite calm for, and was working on not pushing and just speaking from Earth. And trying to find the crazy stick-wacking jungle thing I found last time. I thought I did alright. Technically I was very close to where I was last time. But..."boring." Why? "because we don't see pleasure in your eyes. It's mechanical."

Later on with Steph - trying to find what I had a while ago with Fire running around and jumping into the group of guards. Boom. I knew why. Pushed pushed pushed. It's so annoying! Because I'm really damn close to where I was last time. But pushed this time. The voice is being squeezed/forced out as opposed to riding off my body/movement/rhythm. Steph and I got together before class and discussed what we would do. I said to her I was sorry for not being more proactive/encouraging of us rehearsing. I'd been of the mind that we should just discover on stage together. Which is unusual for me because usually I'm a really planned organised kind of guy. But at this school I try and relax and go with the flow more. But I've realised there's a middle point. That actually rehearsal and preparation is really important. And it definitely doesn't stop us from exploring and playing and discovering on stage. If anything, it probably helps us, because then we're not having to think about other things. This think has also been spurred by a new book I've started reading: Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell.

It talks about how success isn't this mysterious thing that only exceptionally gifted people acquire. It's really caused by a wide variety of things - upbringing, where you went to school, what was happening in your city at the time, values, money, politics, your birthday, luck...and natural talent. But talent is actually a very small part of it. The real part of it is what you do with your talent. And it's shown that out of those that have natural talent, those who work really really hard will be more successful (e.g. a professional violinist as opposed to a very good amateur violinist). And it's said that to be an expert at something it takes approximately 10,000 hours to get there.

It makes sense of 'prodigies' like Michael Jackson or Tiger Woods. They got their 10,000 hours in a whole lot faster than everybody else because of a whole lot of practise. And this was made possible by the particular environment they happened to be brought up in.

So I'm thinking - right, I need to practise a whole lot more. It's not good enough to just wing it. And it makes me think I need to take opportunities to work all the time. Willem has done well as a director, and been more 'successful' than his other classmates because he's done so many more productions. Look at his CV and he's been BUSY! And every time he does a project he's learning lots of new skills and reinforcing and improving others. So...practise makes perfect. And a little revelation for me that good preparation is just as important as playing and being alive in the moment.

Finally, I got up at the end of the class and did my monologue. I was quite worked up by this point. Just really bummed with myself, as well as wanting to be selected really badly, and being scared and embarrassed to not have been. I started my Orestes monologue focussing on being lighter and taking my time. It was going well. But a wee way in Boom. "Boring." I'd forgotten about pleasure again. Damnit! Technically I think I was going well. But that's not enough. It's the whole package. And pleasure, it seems, is the key to an audience staying engaged with a performer. Technical isn't enough. Philippe said something about me having a sadness in the performance. I was playing Orestes as being sad (in face and voice and body) about what he was talking about - that his father has died and that killing his mother is now his torment. Which could have been underlining the text already. But Philippe said in Greek Tragedy the characters are in a world of gods and destiny. They are happy to die. (He also said something about 'Barbarian'). If I had had another chance to take on this direction I reckon I could have done it. But not today!

I spoke to Philippe about what I did afterwards and how I thought I wasn't far off what I did last time when it worked, and he agreed but said that we're working in really small subtle territory. "It's one millimetre. But that one millimetre is important." This makes me feel a bit better as I know that one millimetre is tiny and it's incredibly hard to get there time after time. It's subtle and requires real sensitivity, along with all the technical stuff, and most importantly pleasure. That's the big thing that's stuck with me today. Above all, I cannot forget to have fun and share it.

Philippe used me as an example of this at the end of the class. He got me to choose a girl 'I fancy' in the class - he asks "if there was anyone in the room you could have, who would you have?". Ha! I choose Maria-Louisa. He gets me to put my arms around her, holding her like we were slow dancing. And then tells us to dance to the music together as I speak text. I ask do I speak as an element or just as me? He makes a joke about how Maria-Louisa is a good enough element for the both of us. (Speak just as me). Then plays the jungle music he played a while ago when I was doing my scene with Claire. And as I'm bopping about and looking at the audience and speaking the text, I'm having fun. I'm having fun from the music, from dancing, from being with Maria-Louisa and feeling silly about that, having fun speaking text over all of this, and having fun being on stage with an audience. I come alive, and the audience loves me. I can't forget this. In whatever I do.

~

As for the others in my class. Most did the same as me. Only five scenes got selected. Ed. Ling & Mia. Andre & Daniele. Chiara. Ric. All had a feeling like they had been rehearsed - that they had something great to present - and that everything was in line on that millimetre. But only five scenes. Most of us didn't make it. Not even people like Pedro who was in my Characters course last year and has done all of 1st and 2nd year except Greek Tragedy. Or Anna, who in my eyes is an absolute star.

"Sometimes the audience opens you. Other times it kills you."

Most of us were boring - didn't give enough. A lack of pleasure. Or too heavy. Or the opposite of what they did last time. In a morbid way I'm slightly relieved that so many of us were killed. Well I don't know if that's the right way of putting it. But I'm glad others experienced the same thing as I did. The trouble is I'm comparing myself to others again. When really we are all different and I need to just focus on me and what I can do.

"Silence is important at the start before working...An actor has to calculate how they are going enter. How they are going to seduce the audience."

~

"Je suis spéciale."

~

We have to choose to show something special. About ourselves. Every time we go on stage. "We are looking for that. Special." Philippe spoke about how in one second he can see if an actor has decided to show something special or not. "It doesn't take three days...but it has to happen."

This eats me up a lot. Because I desperately want to be special. I want to show something special always. I want to be one of those actors. Really badly. I do! But it doesn't matter how much I want it. I just have to show it. To do it. And that is what I'm working on. But you can't force it. It can't be pushed (my problem). And it can't be done without pleasure. I kind of know where it is, what it feels like and where I'm aiming, but it's not easy to simply just do it. But I'll keep trying.

Remember for me: pleasure and lightness. Right now I'm still focussing too much on technicals and 'getting it right'. Where as if I had rehearsed a lot perhaps I wouldn't have had to focus on technicals and instead could just be present with the audience showing something special. Argh!

I love how Philippe has been so brutal right at the end of this workshop, which is also the end of the term. So I'm going to have three weeks holidays now chewing over this idea of showing something special, with pleasure and lightness. = A little crisis he's deliberately put a lot of us in. In the hopes that we'll come back with something. And I will. I want to bring something right now!

~

After class I went with a bunch of us to a showing of the Second Years' work at Le Coq. Cool to go there! It's not far from where I live really. And it's a place with a lot of history associated with me - via teachers I have had. Le Coq is in my whakapapa.

Gaulier. Bolton. McCrory. (Woah!)

The showing was cool - lots of little things they had made. It sounds great there - every Friday they have to show something. So tonight was a collection of things they had made and shown, and that were selected to be shown tonight. Showing something every Friday sounds like such a good initiative. It makes sense of John Bolton's way of working now. And this shared expectation from my teachers to really present something of quality every time you show something/perform. At Le Coq, I can't imagine you'd be that happy about presenting something you didn't think was any good. There were a few Training-like movement-y scenes which were a bit physical theatre-wanky what I expected from Le Coq to be honest. But they were good. Clear, and imaginative. Just not really to my taste. Although actually, they totally have their place and I did enjoy them on the whole. I totally loved the half-mask stuff they did though. Really fun. Big clear characters and scenarios. Little Lazzi's. Made me think I could easily dedicate a good amount of my time to a form like that (although Jacob Rajan owns that territory in NZ!). But next term I'll get to have a go! Great!

Interesting watching the work at Le Coq also, because it seems like there is more of an emphasis on the ensemble than on the individual. However in the ensemble it was quite clear to me who those performers who showed something special. That extra little something. The stars within the group. And I love how Philippe is trying to teach us all to have that quality.

One more day of class! Watching the 2nd year Clown show afterwards. Then party. Then a day to get everything sorted for India. Then Sunday...India!