"We Love You When You're Simple."

I tried out a new character today. Andre and I put it together on Sunday when we both met at Guerrisol. 

He says I look a bit like Elton John in his early years.

I better look like something because the multiple layers of clothing plus wig cost a lot of money damnit!

~

It was funny at the beginning of class, because Philippe clearly didn't have anything planned for us to do, and he was playing - making fun of himself - as he came up with something. He put some chairs on stage in a particular formation, and then that gave him the idea for a Dentist's waiting room.

I had a go first up. And tried the role of dentist. Victoria was the receptionist. And there were various patients. I tried to play something - some kind of offer for the character - but it was too strong. Not sensitive enough. "Is he a pain in the arse?" 

"You don't discover the character with us...you want to be funny...you are a fascist...you are just awful."

Later on I had a go as a patient. As I got up on stage Philippe reminded me: "You need to try and be subtle...think you know less than the audience." This time I was more sensitive. I did less. But not fantastic. No feedback from Philippe. I'm discovering.

~

Philippe then turned all of the chairs around, and from the holes in the back of the chairs, got inspired to make the next exercise set in a Laundromat. Find a game with your scene partner.

I got again and tried something first. I came out with no idea, but with a big greek tragedy cloak. I whipped it open and lay it on the floor, folding it up. I then tried to put it in the washing machine/hole in the back of the chair, and of course it didn't fit. Which was kind of funny for a moment. Then I went to fold it a different way. Nobody else came on stage, and Philippe killed me very quickly. It was bad - but I was playful. Oh well. :)

I sat back down, but then got up in a scene which Claire 3 (Claire de France was bad earlier today and was thus degraded from Claire 2 to Claire 3) had started. She was alone in the laundromat, and was surreptitiously taking off her clothes. This was a moment where I calculated how to play with another actor on stage. I waited for the right timing, and then entered as if unaware of what was happening, and then slowly play the game of discovering that, and then trying to see things with a variety of tactics. We did well. The scene lasted for a while, and we played nicely together. Light, and with a fair amount of complicité. I was mostly in minor throughout, which was fine because we really loved her, and me being on stage helped us love her more. It felt good to find a game (I can do it). To be light and playful. I wasn't at my maximum, but a good start. Just playing, and letting the costume do it's job. And at the end Claire 3 was upgraded back to Claire 2!

~

To Steph: "Don't try to be funny. It's not your speciality...not yet."

"If you spirit is ★  ★  ★ [these stars represent wonderful happy sounds] you will discover something."

"We have to calculate how we can have fun with another person." - This is just like in life, where we joke differently with different people.

Mix it up. Keep exploring: "You have to find something else...you have to go another way if you want to give life to this character."

Can't be negative. Nadeer was hit Rodrigo as his character, but it was with negative energy rather than playfully. Philippe talked about how you can be negative (say no, argue, fight, etc), but it has to be in a positive way. "You can say no if you want to carry on the game."

"You have to propose something."

"It's good to propose something opposite."

"If you have pleasure the character will follow you."

"We need to have a game conflict: He has his game - you have your game - and we enter into a game conflict."

"When everyone is okay it's the end of the show."

~

I got up again one last time at the end of the class, in the laundry scene. I tried coming on with a proposal: entering puffing as if I'd been running trying to escape from something. Philippe killed me quickly. Did I listen to the audience and see whether they were with me at all? No. Goodbye. I told him I want to make a proposal, and asked how I can do that - enter with something - and still discover it with the audience. He showed me. He got me to run in, stop and listen, pant x 2, stop and listen, pant x 2, stop and listen. I got the point. Give the audience room to discover you.

I then entered again, trying the panting by myself. I don't think it really worked, because what Philippe got me to do was an exaggerated example. But then I kind of followed the panting, and the scene kind of turned into me being sad to wash my clothes. It was bad - but I was trying! Then Nadeer, bless him, came on stage, looked at me, then did his own version of the panting/crying. Then I did another variation of my own. We were looking into each other's eyes, and trying to figure out how to play with each other.  He made an offer of a lean in forward saying singing "yes" and a lean back saying "no". I joined in, mirroring him. We were together, listening to each other and playing. It was really nice. What we did wasn't fantastic, but our complicité and fun was sensitive and happy.

"Me - I like Guy a bit."

I asked Philippe at the end when exactly the audience started liking me, because I felt like before Nadeer came on I was bad and he said "We love you when you're simple...but when you have your idea - it's too strong. It's difficult to love you."

Good steps in the direction of getting back to basics. :)

~

Feeling freer and more open this week. My spirit is back. Had to go through that little crisis to discover this. To really take on the fact that it's good to be bad. And to rediscover my fun.

I've also started a new morning work out routine. I get up at 7.15 and hop on a Vélib bike and ride for 15minutes to Buttes Chaumont (a really nice park)

It's a bit warmer than this image makes out...

 where I then either run, or go to my special area where I can't be seen looking like a dooshball which I call The Bat Cave...

...and do a cross-fit workout. Then bike home. It's great. The exercise, city streets then beautiful nature, and freezing cold really wakes you up! 

Oscars Weekend

Saw two Oscar nominated films in a row on Saturday night!

True Grit 
(Really liked it! I love how there's a feeling of 'pretend' in Coen Bros films.)

The King's Speech 
(Also really liked it. A well told story. Great performances. And really uplifting.)

Feeling revitalised and free after accepting on a deeper level that it's good to be bad. Danced all the way home after seeing The King's Speech. Realised I'm in Paris! There's so much to explore and absorb. So I'm going to shift my routines up. Exercise...explore...see more of whats on offer...have more fun! 

"You Don't Have A Big Problem...We See You. You Are Alive. You Are Open." ... (you're just bad right now)

Today we had an acting awards night: Give an acceptance speech as your character.

"Ah! That is so good for the character...Or conventional, without spirit...goodbye."

~

I had a go as a presenter, along with two others. Tried lots of different voices and styles. German, British, Just Me. Mysterious, Loud, Silly, Beautiful. I found little little things, but nothing solid. Bad again. Philippe had no comments for me really. I mean, it was clearly bad. But he gave no guidance. "His country is shaking so I can't be mean to him." He did let me stay on for a while which was nice though. I felt pretty gutted after my turn was up. Just disappointed that nothing was coming after all that.

~

"We have to say: Ah! They have fun with the character."

"You don't discover the character with us...you KNOW your character."

"We see your spirit - we accept everything. We see your idea - no."

"An actor gives his fun to the character."

"You can try so many things to discover your fun, your fantasy. In a way, that's what this workshop is about...And you can't cheat doing that."

"It's good to have humour."

We have a showing on Friday: "Work with someone you like. Don't work with someone you don't like." I love this - so honest and frank - and so different from other training I've had in which I've been told to work with the people that scare you the most.

~

At the end of class we all got up on stage and Philippe did a check to see who needs to change their character. For me, he said "Guy - You have pleasure, but you are really bad." He said it's up to me whether I change. I asked if was it going to make any difference if I change - as I feel like it's an actor problem, not so much a character one. But he said yes - "The pleasure nobody recognises me can help." So I'm going to change again. Exciting actually!

~

I spoke to Philippe at the end of class today. Wanted a bit of guidance. I feel a bit dumb for going to ask - because I feel like it's a bit of a cop out. And when I went to him he kind of looked at me like 'What are you doing coming crawling to me?' I caught him saying to Sophia that she needs to take a big risk - that she's holding herself back from something. And I asked, Is this the same for me? As I've been feeling like it is - and have been trying to be more open on stage. Trying to take that risk and show my self more. But he said 'no' quite definitely. He said the characters I've had so far have been bad, but "you don't have a big problem...We see you. You are alive. You are open." He said I'm bad a lot but that is fantastic. I think because I am changing a lot too.

I got the feeling from him that there is nothing to worry about. That I'm close, so chill out. Which is actually what both Nicole and Thomas have said to me too. So time to take that on board. I've just been really uncomfortable being bad so often. But I see now that being bad is not bad. Actually. It's necessary in order to be good. I've known this before, I've said it before, but I think I understand it now. It's like when I made WANNABE - it was bad for the first 6 weeks of the making process at least. But then it found it's feet and worked out great. What I'm doing at school right now is building up a resilience of being bad. Which is a great thing to have. So I feel better about where I am right now. Gonna bring new character offers on Monday - and keep being bad and trying to not let it get to me, and instead accept that it's apart of the journey towards being good.

"We're Almost Ready To Love You."

Thomas today. We started off in big groups of either men or women, then lipsynced as our characters to the music playing over the stereo. Then afterwards, sang the song ourselves.

"Not pushing, but having fun. That's the thing."

When I had a go we had to sing a love song, so I sang 'Someone To Watch Over Me' in a really soft and slightly german accent. "You're strange." I was light here, but not really loved. Thomas got me to choose a character I'm in love with from the audience - I chose Sophia's mysterious Black-Haired Glasses-wearing American woman. I had to say a poem about her. I was light and sensitive here, but not really having fun yet. But I started to say a poem, and found some rhymes and it was kind of fun. "When you're sensitive like this, we're ready to love you...But you're not quite there yet."

~

We then did an exercise set in an aeroplane. With an air host/hostess taking the role of major, and five passengers, who arrive, and then something happens. People also had a go at doing the intercom voice from the audience.

I came on first as a passenger and tried to play a drunk rock'n'roller. I entered centre stage and screamed "Woooooooh! with my arms in the air. This kind of worked. It was a good entrance. But afterwards, once everyone was on board, the scene died. Oh well.

I also had a go at being the air host. "Wooooh! An Aeroplane!" worked a bit. But not for very long. I struggled as the host really. Not having anything to hang on to, not knowing what to play with (...got to give more of my fantasy to the character). But I tried out a few different things throughout the improvisation - just changing the character completely in the hopes of finding something. I was happy about this changing - and after class a few people commented on how brave that is. So yeah - I'm taking risks in that sense.

A few hilarious lines came out of some of the improvisations, including:

"Due to new security measures can all white people please be seated to the left, and coloured people on the right."

And, in a scene full of strange female characters, just as the scene was dying:

"Is it your first time flying on Lesbian Airlines?"

~

Afterwards, we did quick fire improvisations of 'bad acting' scenes. I did one with Rodrigo - who's playing this crazy halloween monster kind of guy. We ran out together, had a moment of silence, then I said, in a german accent, "Danny, can you see them?" We got a good laugh here. But after we didn't manage to find anything. Although we had fun together, and speaking to Rodrigo after, I think we might do our showing together. He's a performer who steals the show - full of pleasure and play - and he said he likes working with me, so I reckon we should!

So a day of good entraces.

~

I realised today - as I was thinking to myself that I don't know what to do - that I should watch others for guidance. Watch the actors/characters that are working and follow them.

~

I hung around after class milling over whether to talk to Thomas or not. I kind of just wanted to listen to what he was saying to others. Like, I heard him saying to Steph how it can be a fine line and you push too much, change, then don't quite give enough. That's something relevant to me right now. We ended up speaking briefly, and I joked about being been bad for three weeks, and said "the workshop's not over yet", which is true. He also said I'm close, and that "We're almost ready to love you." A similar thing to watch Nicole said to me with Mask. So this is why Philippe isn't helping me right now. He, like the other movement teachers, can see that I'm not far away and are letting my discover it on my own.

"Too Conventional."

I tried out a new character/costume today. Kind of based on a german male model.

I was a quite fragile today. Feeling really sensitive. A mixture of grief for New Zealand, tiredness, and fear of being bad.

~

We started with an exercise in which a group were dancing and then a character has to enter and stop the music and announce "Gaddafi is dead!"

"Not yet" he says...

I got up in the first group but hesitated to have a go to stop the music (I was building confidence), and then missed my chance when Philippe canned our "horrible" group.

~

Next was a game of musical chairs - and when you miss out on a chair you have to tell a joke as your character (or not, but something). I tried to do this german/austrian Schwarzenegger voice. I said "I have a funny joke" and laughed a lot. I tried to find something from laughing - as I'm awful at telling jokes. But I was super heavy and the audience hated me. "Who wants to stick this funny joke up his arse?" As I sat down Philippe said "you have to be subtle."

I thought about this and have come to realise more clearly that for me as an actor I need to work on being subtle and light. I can already do big and loud (and heavy). And actually, my heaviness hides my beauty. My spirit. Being big and loud is my way of hiding. I hadn't thought about this before. I've often thought I'm a relatively open person/performer. But now I see more clearly the things I do to hide what I actually should be showing - the sensitive, vulnerable, human, me.

Also: Watched There Will Be Blood last night with Victoria and Andre and I was watching Daniel Day Lewis and thinking how little he actually has to do in the film for it to work. He's fantastic. But he is often only part of the image. We see his face - his grimace. And that is the focus. But there's also the lighting (flickering fire), cinematography (slow zoom in), and music (high-pitched squealing violins) that do SO MUCH to make each scene work.

And I was thinking often as an actor I feel I have to do everything. But I don't. I need to let things do their job for me. Like costume. The costume already does something to allow the audience to dream around me. And often the things I do get in the way of that. They stop the audience from dreaming. But I need to calculate and listen to how they are dreaming, and try to help them dream more.

~

We then did an exercise set in a café with various guests at tables, and a waiter. And then one character has to come in who "wants to fuck" (looks for a sexual partner).

I played the waiter first: I was consciously trying to be subtle and light. I didn't care about being funny (and I wasn't) and this worked for me. I ended up doing this soft American voice. "Not gay, just friendly."

Then I had a go at the "wants to fuck" role: I came in and spoke to a few different characters in the café, ending up trying to speak to Victoria's russian character, and then asking her to dance. I fell into playing a nervous charming young guy...actually I ended up playing the same character I played in The Great Gatsby...Nick Carraway.

Philippe let me go for a while, which was really nice - because I was trying something else and needed to feel my way into it a bit. I relaxed a bit - not worrying about being funny - just trying to be present - and survive really. But eventually Philippe stopped it. He said I was "too conventional". And because of this I "don't exist" in the audience's minds. And that I "don't take a risk."

This is true. I didn't take a risk here. Well, actually, I did take a risk in being lighter and not trying to be funny. But my character choices were super-safe. I understand why I did that - because I was fragile and sensitive today - but still. I need to make a stronger offer or else there's nothing to learn, nothing to play with, and nothing for Philippe to work with.

I'm not sure how to be unconventional though. Well, I guess just do anything but the conventional! But I don't know what character I'm playing. I have no idea about him other than how he looks. And the myriad of options of what he could be is daunting. But I've got to try something again! Stop worrying about being good again. It's disabling!

I am happy with myself however for being light today, and for connecting with the other actors on stage with me. Now risk again.

Christchurch Quake

This morning I woke up to find out Christchurch had another massive earthquake, the city's in ruins and lots of people are trapped or dead.

I don't know too many people from Christchurch personally, and the ones I do I've heard are safe. Phew. However, Victoria (who's staying with me at the moment) grew up in Christchurch and her family live there. She found out through a friend that her parents are okay, but hasn't heard back about her brother or grandparents [UPDATE: They're all okay]. So it's been a really worrisome and sad day today - stuck in Paris away from it all.

So we didn't go to school today.

My love goes out to everyone back home.

"It's Good To Go To Another Side."

Today we started off with the exercise: Your Character as a Lawyer.

"If you are brilliant we save his life. If you are boring we cut off his head."

For some reason people were quite hesitant to get up today. I deliberately held off going in the first bunch of people - trying something else. I was speaking to Daniele on Saturday night and he told me that I'm very brave and the class needs someone like me. But I thought about this and realised that the problem with being the brave guinea pig is that everybody learns off your mistakes, then gets to feel what it's like when it works. So I thought I'd try and learn off others going first for a change. But ironically Philippe changed the exercise because people were consistently boring, and not particularly enthusiastic about giving it a go.

"Bravo Sara...you are very good." - Philippe got Sara to secretly say this to herself after every sentence when she was a lawyer. I think it was supposed to give her a bit more confidence - as she needed to take her space a bit more. But it also helped her rhythm - giving room for silence and fixed point, which let us in.

~

We then did a bunch of TV commercials as our characters. Walk on (usually to music), say what you say/do what you do, then exit. Once everyone had done their ad we had to come out and stand in a line...Philippe would say "I kill...X" and if we thought X deserved to live then we had to shout "Oooooooh!"

We did ads for...

I got up for most of them actually. Figured, why the hell not! Was bad for the dog food one (tried to a more traditional maori approach) but got a bit of love/laugh when I conspicuously made the sound of the audience "ooohing" when he killed me.

For the Airline ad, I tried a bit of RnB singing - soft (yet powerful) with trills. In doing this, I was lighter, and more playful with myself and the audience. Philippe said "Me, I don't understand"... but everyone else did! And they liked it.

For Frankfurt Sausages I came out bouncing to the music and sand "Oh Yeah! We got Sausages" in a Louis Armstrong kind of voice. "We like him." What a relief to finally have some success! I feel like I've started to find something now - want to move away from Maori bro and more towards African American RnB singer. Amazing what a bit of success can do to my positivity and willingness to play and risk. Got to work on not losing this when things don't work all the time!

For the Marriage shop I tried a similar Louise Armstrong approach, mixed with moody RnB. "I half kill...but kill." Why? "Speak too much."

For Sports I changed my costume so I looked more like a runner with a big afro. Came out jogging/warming up. Then said as I did the actions, "On your marks...get set...Adidas." then sprinted off stage. This admittedly was an idea. But a lot of the ads people did were ideas. It's a tough one to balance. But I think ideas are okay if you're subtle with them - which in this case I wasn't.

For TGV I made a reference to slavery and how my people had been making train tracks for hundreds of years. But now the French have made TGV... Not my best work.

Finally with Apple computers I tried to do something surprising by singing with "iMac, iPod, iPad..." but it was again not subtle and a bit rubbish. Oh well.

I did discover some things today. That when I sing and dance a bit, and be silly, I feel freer to play. I asked Philippe if it's okay for me to change the character a bit - I wanted to change the costume to more of this look:

But Philippe said I need to change character altogether. I asked why (because I thought I found some things today) and he said "because you always do the same...with the legs...It's good to go to another side."

So tomorrow, a new character. Not sure what that will be right now. I feel like I should try and calculate - something that will help me play. But I dunno. I'll just make an offer. It's funny - because I've done this particular workshop before I have certain expectations of myself which are unhelpful (like thinking that it's bad to not have a final chosen character right now). But I need to relax and just go with it. It doesn't matter. Lots of people are still changing. And even if they weren't - who cares?

I was saying to Amanda tonight (who just got back from India) that I kind of can't wait for this workshop to be over so I can do Mélodrama - something I have no knowledge of - because I feel a bit stifled by my prior knowledge of this course) but that's a bit silly. There's plenty to learn over the next 2 weeks. Even if I'm crap every day! Being crap just gets to me mostly because I feel embarrassed and conscious of what others must think of me. Of how bad I am. But this is again - stupid. I don't need to compare myself to others, ever. I need to get clear on why I'm here - which is to discover things about me as a performer. I guess discovering that I get self-conscious is valid, but I don't like it - it's unhelpful to my process - so that's just something I'll have to discover how to get rid of!

Edinburgh Applications & Cheese Galore

I spent most of the weekend preparing and emailing applications for Edinburgh Fringe Festival venues for my show WANNABE.

I applied to about 10 venues (already had an offer from one) and have a few more to do. Good practice articulating what the show is briefly and in an exciting way.

Experience 90s Boy Band sensation BROTASTIK on their final ever, final world comeback tour...ever...Finally.*

*Minus Jason – 'the talented one.'

5 songs. 4 bros. 1 actor. Best Solo & Pick of NZ Fringe 2010.

"Simply put, WANNABE is a hit." (Theatreview.org.nz)

~

Also went to Franck's place for dinner on Saturday night.

The food was incredible! And cheese for dessert! Ate waaaaay too much!

"Take Your Time To Calculate How To Play With Someone. It's Not Easy."

We started with a character check today. Basically, if you don't have fun you change. As it's the first day Philippe has seen my new Bro character called Manu, we don't know yet. Changing character is not a big deal - Lots of people are changing! - so chill out.

"You didn't give enough so it's good to stay...if you don't give today you change."

"It's like when you fall in love sometimes. The first day is good then it starts to be boring."

~

We then got put into families. Franck's Italian rugby player character was my dad.

Today's scenario: The parent calls in their child with the intention of having 'the talk' about sex, puberty etc.

Well Michael, when a man and a woman...

He also started the day off with the threat: "You don't speak for us, you don't move for us...I say goodbye." And he added the Le Jeu scarf game to the scene to keep actors connected with each other throughout.

~

When Franck and I went up it lasted very very short and didn't go well, ever! It started off with Franck calling out to me, and I walked in slowly on stage. And then blurted out "no, your gay." I came back again and Franck was pulling me closer - "don't touch me you gay." Not a good start. But I did this because Philippe had talked about conflict as being important - that if they say 'come here' and you come then there's no conflict. And also, when I said "gay" I meant a 'woos' - not really gay. It's a specific thing to the kind of character I'm trying to play - but this was totally lost in translation, understandably. Anyway, saying "your gay" made the scene feel nasty. And then very quickly it was over.

Philippe (actually in gentle way) said there was no game, we forgot the scarf, there was no connection between actors.

"Take your time to calculate how to play with someone. It's not easy."

I was really gutted. Felt like crying. I'm just so fed up with myself at the moment. I came out trying to be lighter and slower - something new for me - but then blurted out some dumb words and killed it. But the idea that I'm not playing with others gets to me the most. This explains why I like making Solo shows! I don't feel like I know how to play with others. I don't know how to discover a game. And of course I do, really, but I haven't done it for a long time. And wanting too much - wanting to get it right and be the star - is totally getting in the way of this. It's like hogging the ball - I'm trying to do it all myself, but it's much better as a team effort. Instead, I need to think 'aha, let's play together', take my time, look into the eyes of my partner, and trust that together we'll discover something. And if we don't - oh well, it's just a game.

But this is a big thing for me. Bigger than performative stuff right now. And Philippe knows it. And so do I. It's a simple thing that I need to be doing before anything else. So this is what I'll focus on from now on. Try and not care about how great I or the scene is, or will be. Just go out with the intention to play and connect and have fun.

~

"The pleasure 'you don't know who I am' must be bigger than the psychology of the character."

Keep distance from the audience "because when you are too close we dream less."

Vicky - but me too: "You are too scared to be bad. You stop yourself. But don't stop yourself. Try. Even if you get a flop."

Bertrand: "You lose something human and you do a parody...he's not human, he's a caricature of himself."

"If we don't have conflict it's not theatre, it's Club Med."

"You don't think: Ah! I'm going to show my soul to the audience."

"When we play very well we don't have the feeling we play."

At one point after a scene he asked Michael to leave the room. Michael took this badly - was really shocked and embarrassed - but Philippe was encouraging: "You're going to discover something." Even when it was clear that Philippe wasn't angry or being nasty, Michael still didn't move and made it a much bigger thing than it really was. But finally he got Michael to walk towards the door - at this point Michael was nearly in tears and had this really shocked angry look on his face. Before getting close to the door Philippe stopped him and got the girls in his scene to give him kisses. "Play with this feeling. Not your stupid ideas." He was trying to help Michael realise that he doesn't need to play an idiot - he is an idiot - and this is not a nasty thing, it's a really good thing! This is the same for me I think. I don't need to play the idea of an idiot - I need to show the one inside me.

Steph & Irena had a similar thing to me and Franck:

A "no" to carry on the game = positive.

A "no" to end the game = negative = "Everything is impossible in the game between the two."

~

At the end of class Philippe talked about how his job as a teacher is helping us find our particular ways that we have the most pleasure. Not one way for all, but our way.

"Everybody has a special world and we have to discover this - something beautiful - for you."

"In this way you have pleasure...In this way you have pleasure...It depends on yourself, your dreams, your madness..."

"Your pleasure is the best thing in the world."

Lead your character in so many ways: "If you think 'my character', you are a bad actor...If you think I am going to give live to this character who sleeps in a book [you will be good]...With what do you give life? We give life with your pleasure. And with your pleasure we see your soul."

~

"Develop your fun" - This is what I'm doing at this school, so it's okay if I'm not always amazing at it!

"Take Risks To Find Things."

Thomas today! A relief really as classes with Philippe have been a bit scary for me lately. I think I feel safer to fail with Thomas than I do with Philippe.

I dressed more as my Bro character today. This morning I went and got some brown make-up, although it turned out to be red. So I ended up looking like a sunburned dude with a huge black afro. Oh well.

~

Today's scenario: Break-up dinner at a restaurant.

The idea is that one character breaks up with the other, and then they react to this ("I want to see you explode") in a myriad of ways. With one sentence yo can make a whole scene...being sad, being happy, being angry, being perplexed... "It's about the pleasure to show many reactions."

I went up first as a waiter (the save-the-show guy), and then in a couple with Austrian Thomas. As waiter I was heavy and loud - trying to shift up the scene - but didn't really calculate as well as I could have. And then in then with Thomas, I tried to improvise text getting to the break up moment, but I didn't really ever earn the love of the audience (Thomas is nice and let's us keep on going even if it's bad...(is this nice?)) and so when I tried to go to the exploding into many different reactions part it didn't work.

"Find actions. Otherwise it's just bla bla bla...You need to find a game."

Thomas (the teacher) then helped me feel this a bit. He got Austrian Thomas to blow me kisses, and for me to look away towards the window behind me. This simple action created some kind of game that we could then play - that wasn't reliant on text. I was lighter here immediately. Not trying to do much at all. Just being on stage with Thomas (remember this). It felt more inviting for an audience too. So how can I get to this state again in my work? Because I'm getting fed up with this constant heaviness and pushing. I need to use this workshop to really discover lightness.

~

"If you feel it starts to fall down you have to change rhythm."

"We're waiting for something and we don't receive it."

"Don't play the cliché. Just have fun wearing the costume."

~

Thomas encouraged us to just get up and try today. "Take risks to find things." This is how I should always approach the work! But it's not that easy.

"It's Your Decision..."

At the start of class we were put into couples. And today's exercise is a scene in which one character comes into another's house with the intention to ask for their hand in marriage. If the scene starts to die there is one person in the wings with the job to 'save the show'.

I dressed as Anna today - with a blonde curly wig, tights, a rolled up t-shirt, makeup, and her classic fur coat. I called myself Susanna, but was trying to take what I found yesterday a bit further. I was coupled with Katy who plays an old man called Rupert.

When Katy and I went on I started the scene on the phone pretending to be having phone sex (a personal joke) and then did a kind of monologue to the audience saying I'm strung because Rupert is coming but I'm actually in love with Thomas (another personal joke). It was pretty heavy and pretty bad. Then Katy came on and didn't give enough so we were falling fast. I tried to save the scene by jumping to the fact that I'm in love with Thomas, and then our save-the-scener Irena entered and I screamed "Thomas what are you doing here?" which was surprising and got a good laugh, but it wasn't enough.

Philippe said we weren't playing together at all. "You don't look to each other for the game." I didn't get much personal feedback, other than that my opening was "so boring", but I knew I was pushing. I did have a good impulse at times, and I played a bit mocking Anna's eyes and lips, but I wasn't playing with my scene partner. This is what happens when I'm under pressure. I try to do it all myself. Like a sportsman hogging the ball.

I also felt I went a bit too far with the references to Anna. I was trying to be more nasty but wasn't light enough with it. My intentions weren't bad, but I didn't play with the information in as friendlily way as I could have, and felt bad afterwards.

Have to change my character too. "Kill this one. You have to take another one." Which is actually quite a relief, because I feel like I'm pushing shit up hill at the moment and getting nowhere fast.

~

"Actors - when they play together they have fun...Ah! You did that! POFF! I'm going to do this."

"It's really fun to play when your spirit is on."

"You don't say everybody is going to love me...[but if you do that] and if you flop, it's a wonderful flop, because it's a flop to understand something...the flop is fantastic to learn how to be loved by the audience."

"You didn't do: 'Ah! It's my turn to play the game'. You have to play major."

"We have to say: Ah! This actor is so happy to be on the stage."

"I didn't see: 'I'm going to be the star for three minutes.' I saw ten-fifteen seconds but not three minutes."

"The flourish ['Aaaahhh' when you receive your turn to be in major] belongs to the actor, not the character."

"You don't take the time to exist."

"You have to have the guts to say: I am an actor, a great actor, and I play my character."

"You don't have to play with us. You need to play with the fourth wall."

"Because you say you suffer a lot doesn't mean you have to show you suffer a lot. The character doesn't need to underline...the word says something and the face says another thing."

~

At Loo Loo break I got changed into whatever new character I could muster up. I ended up grabbing Canadian Mike's unused black curly haired wig, put a beanie on and a puffer jacket, and put black makeup around my eyes. I kind of looked like a white guy trying to look black. But it was fine.

I got up with Rocio and Rik as the save-the-show guy and at the point when Philippe was just about to hit his drum because their scene was so boring, and the class was clicking (which means Quick! Do something!) I came on, grabbed a chair and said in a 'Bro' kind of voice "This is my chair. Fuck you!" then left again. The class roared with laughter, and the scene continued without me until it started to die again, when I entered again and said "This is my phone. Fuck you!". And a while later, "Sorry this isn't actually my phone...but this is my chair. Fuck you!".

The scene died eventually, but I did my job and kept it going. My timing was a bit off - I should have gone a bit before they were really going to die - so I need to trust myself more (as I was hesitant backstage) but I did better. Lighter - more fun.

"Good stupid idea."

I'm going to try a Bro kind of character tomorrow. Andre said I should as I'm good at it, and I agreed but said maybe I should do something else as it's quite easy for me. But we discussed that just because it's easy doesn't mean I should avoid it - if anything it means I should go to it! Because I can learn a lot from a character in which I'm easeful and free as. And that's what I'm discovering slowly at this school. Where I'm easeful and free. I've found it a bit in each workshop, and am looking to be able to find it and hold it for much longer as I continue this training.

~

I noticed Philippe say "it's your decision" a few times today.

"It's your decision. Either you play with something deep or you play with your pleasure."

"You have to make the decision to have a scene."

And this got me thinking about how as actors we have to make the decision to be great, beautiful, surprising, alive. I need to start actively making this decision, every time I step on stage. Of course I want to, but it's one thing to say that and another to decide.

"An Actor Has To Want To Create Something In The Audience's Imagination With Every Gesture."

Today we did an improvisation in which a doctor (who has a secretary) tells a patient she/he is going to die.

I did a scene with Anna and Lauren. I played the secretary, and imitated Anna. Anna had a slower rhythm so I came on and spoke really fast. I wasn't on for long as I was the secretary getting the patient. But I tried to take my place in major. Philippe said "a bit" and noted the pleasure I had imitating Anna. "This is the fun actors should share all the time." I changed my costume a bit today - took away the moustache and swapped wig to a brown boyish one borrowed by Nadeer - which helped. I asked Philippe if it was any better and he said yeah but in 2 or 3 days I'll have to change. I guess there's a bit more (but not too much) for me to discover with my current look.

Thomas the movement teacher teased me at half time for being "so nasty" but that it's good for me. "Be more nasty!"

~

"We do not see who plays major and who plays minor."

"You have to throw the game, or else everything else is falling down."

"Every time you want to do the exercise you are boring. You want to do the exercise to discover the fun." = This is the shift I need to make in approaching my work.

"You have to keep your rhythm to create conflict."

"An actor has to have a scene...don't be too small."

"When did you decide to be special? What did you do to be special?"

Philippe led Rik to pick up the phone for a second time, helping him to be special. Really slow. Isolated movement. Fixed points. Look at the audience. A bit more movement. Etc. "An actor has to want to create something in the audience's imagination with every gesture." Every movement. Every word. Like a dancer, like a poet...

"Opposite is always good."

"You have to change...to play and discover another part of the character through the game." If the game changes you must change too.

Philippe gives actors little games to distract them and help them feel pleasure. e.g. Getting Marco to imitate Berlesconi's voice as he receives a blow job and nears orgasm.

And on that note...Don't blow your load too early. Philippe got Charles to try and take Rodrigo's clothes off subtly, but it happened way too quickly. "When you open the coat it's finished. We want to see so many things before...[we want to see] your tactics."

"You enter as an actor, not as a character. Always ad an actor first, then the character."

"It's not hard to have pleasure. We are here. You are here. We are here to look at you."

"If you have fun we accept everything. If you are totally boring like the pope we hate you."

Franck was wonderful as a sadistic sex doctor. He put his finger in Claire de France's mouth to take her temperature, which he then sniffed. "Now where should I put my finger? Not the ears...so where?" Their pleasure was good.

~

I was thinking about how at this school the truth comes out about performances really clearly, because the feedback is in definites:

Amazing or terrible? = clear

OK or not really? = unclear

And for theatre, where we strive for clarity, this teaching approach is really useful.

"Give Your Fantasy With Pleasure To Your Character And We Will Follow You."

Today were Hollywood extras auditions. Come in as your character and perform a 'prepared' scene.

When I went I fell into a pompous British voice again, too loud and too heavy.

"This character is starting to be really bad...the costume...the actor..."

I did some Shakespeare ("to be or not to be" - which has since been banned from the school since everyone did it) and I was heavy again, although I played a bit with rhythm which went alright for the brief time I survived. But Philippe killed me quickly: "You're heavy and you underline...you don't exist in our minds...either you decide to be light or you change your character."

He moved on to others but then came back to me, and got me to imitate Rodrigo, then Thomas the movement teacher, and finally Anna. All people who are light, and effeminate (interesting because I know I'm free when I play gay or a woman). "You're much better as Anna than your shitty acting."

I was a bit gutted to hear I may have to change character, because a) I feel like a bit of a failure for having to change at this point (although who actually cares? I'm here to discover!) and b) I'd like to do a show looking similar to the character I have at the moment. At half time I asked him about this - is it impossible for me to play this character? He had said to some actors he had doubts about their characters and I wanted to know what that meant. He said he's looking for characters/costumes that free the actor - that allow them to play and discover. And different things work for different actors. He said sure I could play a character that looks the way I look, but I have to play him MY way. The way that gives me pleasure and freedom. And right now I don't feel free with what I'm doing. I feel constrained and trapped. I'm also struggling to give life and play when I feel I have to be gentle and light...but that's another issue. Philippe also said I "want too much" which is true, it holds me back majorly, and is something I keep on having to learn to move past.

~

"My fun around the character is what you show."

Philippe got Victoria to speak louder. She asked "can you not hear me" and he said "It's not what I hear, it's what you give. We hear, but you don't give enough impulse." She ended up finding a great Russian spy character. "This could be good...if you have fun."

"If you are a small character you have to be sometimes big...The actor is big and he has the fun to play a small character...An actor is never small even when he plays a small character..."

"Don't be small. Every actor is large. Every actor is beautiful even if he plays Richard III."

Andre has been struggling to find freedom as the Asian student character he's playing. "If we say: Ah! He has good fun to be Japanese then it's okay." The success of a character comes down to the amount of pleasure an actor gets from playing it.

"In a way, it's your pleasure that decides [the character]"

"You have to give so many possibilities to your character, and if you have pleasure we will follow you."

"A human being can be in so many ways."

"Give your fantasy with pleasure to your character and we will follow you."

Ryan & Guy do London

Shot over to London on Friday evening (5 mins off missing my flight! Shit Guy!) where I attended the Edinburgh Fringe Festival Roadshow, and hung out with my good friend Ryan.

Me & Ryan

The Roadshow was great. I felt really fantastic after it - so glad I went. I got to hear answers to all the questions that had been going in my head, I got to meet lots of people, and I gained a whole lot of new confidence about my show. As I was talking to people about it (along with professional business cards and an iPad display!) I could see them dreaming about what it might be like.

They would get a smile on their face and become really interested in what I was saying. Also, the fact that I've done the show twice before, plus it's won 2 awards and I've got a bunch of media and reviews to back it up, seemed to make people much more interested in the show. It seems like a lot of the people that were there today had vague ideas about what they wanted to do, but mine is clear and ready to go.

Now I feel ready to apply to various venues, many of which I met people who run them face to face. And I feel clear about how I'm going to pitch to my classmates the idea of helping me out. Really excited about it now! I feel like I've taken on Loredana's "if we go, we go to win" mentality and it's given me a great drive. Now to get the ball moving!

~

It was also really nice to see my good friend Ryan who I adore. Nice to hang out with someone who knows me and loves me for just being me. Since being in Paris that's something I've missed. We had breakfast at this great Italian restaurant (cheap too) in Pembroke two days in a row. Watched this fantastically awkward british TV show called Nighty Night which I know fans of The Fast Show and The Mighty Boosh will like. Strolled the streets of London being silly with Ryan. Drank warm beer, had a Hummingbird Red Velvet cupcake...

Amazing

Went and saw a comedy show of a super strange guy called Paul Foot...

Had a great frozen yoghurt from this place called SNOG (the variety of foods you can get in London far surpasses Paris' measly selection...) and generally just had a nice weekend. Neaaarly missed my flight home too which is stupid Guy! Need to get through security first, then chill out. I tend to underestimate how long that takes...

"You Have To Remember The Flop."

Today in class we did a cabaret show with our characters. Again, essentially, come out on stage and do something to be loved. "If we love you we ask the waiter for champagne. If we hate you we ask for Diet Coke." I was reminded today of how fantastic it is at this school to have an a live audience all the time. And a brutally honest audience at that. "It's clear when we are happy in our head. And it's clear when we say something is fucking boring." Having this audience makes the learning completely immediate and responsive. It allows for testing and for real practice at listening and being sensitive.

Or...

When I went up I decided to try and rediscover the silly dancing I was doing yesterday. I came out serious, stopped, turned my head to the audience, and then slowly started flicking my feet about. I did just a little, then stopped and listened. Then I'd do a bit more, slowly getting bigger and crazier. It was ridiculous and I had good fixed points, and I created a game with the audience, which they liked. I felt good about taking this step towards being lighter and being silly. Philippe said it was not so bad but "you don't think you're show is good enough" and said I need to believe it's Lido quality, not Kosovo quality. I didn't use my voice at all in this performance...which helped me in not pushing I guess..Also I was engaged in my body which will have helped as well...but I do need to use my voice...!

I also had a go as the presenter of one group. I tried various different voices. All of british variety (perhaps I should try a different tact...). Nothing really worked. After watching others work I think a big reason for nothing working is that I'm too heavy. And not in a loud thumpy way. But in a lacks-sensitivity and listening kind of way. I need to feel the flop more. I need to (as Philippe did with Ed) constantly remind myself of the possibility of a flop. When Philippe did this with Ed ("A flop could come...be careful...beware...attention...listen to the possible flop.") it helped him be more sensitive. He got a little lighter every time Philippe warned him of the flop. And as actors we need to have that little caution always on our minds.

~

Philippe talked about surprise a lot today.

Surprise = Something unexpected.

"You have to calculate: Ah! It's going to be fantastic in the head of the spectator!"

Maria's goth character - Philippe asked her a bunch of questions but told her not to answer anything. Q: You're a murderer aren't you? ... "If she doesn't answer we dream." ..."You don't have to play hate. Stay like this [quiet, still and simple]. It's more surprising."

"Beautiful food is surprise in the theatre."

"You have to say: Oh! I could not imagine this person could do that!"

He talked about how this is true in life too. Normal looking people surprise the world by doing unexpected unimaginable things. And "when people say never could I have imagined that, they are happy."

~

"You've got to make us dream around your character. Not bobobobo clever ideas."

"You have to play with the possible flop...otherwise it's bobobobo and we don't breathe with you." (This is me)

"You have to remember the flop."

"What did you do to make us dream about the character? ...You have to do something special for the audience."

Even when you're bad - playing as if you believe you are incredible can actually make you good. "He [Thomas] saves himself because he thinks he is a top level Hindu."

~

"It's not my job to scare you. It's my job to tell you the truth."

It feels as if Philippe is waiting for me (and a few others) to break out of our shells and discover something ourselves without his assistance. He's been helping out a few people, but I'm not getting any. I'm going to take it as a complement (I am close, and capable of discovering myself) and a challenge. It's been 4 days with this particular character and I still haven't found the right voice for it. But it will come if I keep on searching. I actually get the feeling many of the voices I've tried could actually work if I speak them with pleasure, and lightness. So that's what I'll try next.