What's Brown and Sticky?

We had our last Movement class with Loredana today. She left us with a really nice message - "you are all beautiful as you are." She said it can take a long time to realise/accept this. But as actors we must. Right now I'm feeling really fragile - not so beautiful at all - and it was something I needed to hear. She also said - when we were walking around: "Stand tall. It's the stage, not the street" which I really liked.

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Today in improvisation with Nicole we had to dance on stage to music in groups, wearing student-made masks, and when Nicole calls somebody's name they have to come forward and tell a joke to the audience.

When it was my turn to tell a joke I asked:

Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick.

I was trying to be lighter, but lacked energy. I realise now that lightness doesn't mean no energy. It means sensitivity. You can be big, loud, energised AND be sensitive/light. So how? I did find little things though. And it was a good shift from the heavy work I did yesterday. But I wasn't a great success. I'm wanting to shake out of whatever is holding me back (in moments when I know I need to do something I find myself feeling stuck and in a bit a panic inside) but it isn't happening quite yet.

I've been dealing with self-doubt lately. I feel like I had it and I've lost it as the work has gone on. At the beginning my lack of knowledge has freed me. But as I come to know the work I start to want to much and also stop exploring/discovering/risking.

At the end of class I asked Nicole about whether I had a 'little character problem' like she said Katie had, but she said no. She told me I'm close. "You are on the line so don't worry." I told her feel like I've lost what I found with Capitano a while back (we have a showing tomorrow) and she said just go out tomorrow and try to rediscover it - instead of coming out with it already formed. I tried not to use her for reassurance - rather just clarity - but to be honest I was a little. And hearing that I'm close, that I'm on the line, and that it will come soon, makes me feel a little better.

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"At this school you learn how to be brilliant on stage FOR YOU - and the mask helps you learn one aspect of that."

"Leave your little character behind."

"It's so delicate."

"Why do you use this voice if you have no fun with it?"

Yell about your mask problems - really fast, really loud, in your language of choice. The result is usually surprising. It lifts the performance from the everyday.

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Floor was great when she broke out screaming "I'm a fucking bitch!" and how it took her four weeks to stop being nice. Screaming helped her to get out of the cage of a 'nice girl'. Maybe it's time for me to get out of the cage of a 'nice guy'...although I feel like I'm not allowed to do what Floor did as a performer, as that would be heavy and pushed. But perhaps I can find my way to breakout of the nice guy cage.

There was a great moment where a group of about 10 masks were all on stage trying to figure out and explain to each other why a particular knock knock joke was funny. Very funny and full of variety and life. We could stay for hours with a big group of masks trying to solve a problem together.

When Katie had got up, she ended up confessing (with the mask on) how hard she's been finding this course. That she wants so much but doesn't know how to find it, how's she's doubting herself and feeling really lost. It was a real relief to hear this. Because I've been feeling the same way. And it's nice to feel like I'm not the only one. I'm not alone.

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This evening I went to Thomas from Austria's house. We had dinner, listened to some classical music (I learnt about the controversy surrounding Stravinsky's 'Rite of Spring'), watched a documentary, and we wrote a mask scene for the showing tomorrow. In a nutshell: Both Pantalone and Capitano see a beautiful woman, and they both try to woo her in their own ways.

I had a really lovely time. I really like Thomas. He's a great guy. And since I've been feeling quite sensitive for a while (since Barcelona really) it was nice to feel like I had a friend that wanted to just hang out.

The documentary we watched was about Keith Jarrett - a musician who's famous for doing completely improvised piano concerts.

Thomas (a musician himself) suggested the doco because he said it offers a new perspective to the same improvisation challenges we're encountering. The thing that really stuck with me though was the realisation that with musicians like Keith Jarrett, what we hear is directly from his soul - his humanity. Philippe says as actors we must show our humanity, and Jarrett is doing that through music. And you feel it when he plays. It's beautiful, unique, surprising, risky. I find that really moving. What a gift he's offering the world. How generous and brave.

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Reassurance from Nicole, realising other classmates are dealing the same feelings I'm dealing with, Loredana saying some nice words about our own special beauty, and a having a nice time hanging out with Thomas really helped me to feel a bit happier and less stressed/negative today.