"Too Conventional."

I tried out a new character/costume today. Kind of based on a german male model.

I was a quite fragile today. Feeling really sensitive. A mixture of grief for New Zealand, tiredness, and fear of being bad.

~

We started with an exercise in which a group were dancing and then a character has to enter and stop the music and announce "Gaddafi is dead!"

"Not yet" he says...

I got up in the first group but hesitated to have a go to stop the music (I was building confidence), and then missed my chance when Philippe canned our "horrible" group.

~

Next was a game of musical chairs - and when you miss out on a chair you have to tell a joke as your character (or not, but something). I tried to do this german/austrian Schwarzenegger voice. I said "I have a funny joke" and laughed a lot. I tried to find something from laughing - as I'm awful at telling jokes. But I was super heavy and the audience hated me. "Who wants to stick this funny joke up his arse?" As I sat down Philippe said "you have to be subtle."

I thought about this and have come to realise more clearly that for me as an actor I need to work on being subtle and light. I can already do big and loud (and heavy). And actually, my heaviness hides my beauty. My spirit. Being big and loud is my way of hiding. I hadn't thought about this before. I've often thought I'm a relatively open person/performer. But now I see more clearly the things I do to hide what I actually should be showing - the sensitive, vulnerable, human, me.

Also: Watched There Will Be Blood last night with Victoria and Andre and I was watching Daniel Day Lewis and thinking how little he actually has to do in the film for it to work. He's fantastic. But he is often only part of the image. We see his face - his grimace. And that is the focus. But there's also the lighting (flickering fire), cinematography (slow zoom in), and music (high-pitched squealing violins) that do SO MUCH to make each scene work.

And I was thinking often as an actor I feel I have to do everything. But I don't. I need to let things do their job for me. Like costume. The costume already does something to allow the audience to dream around me. And often the things I do get in the way of that. They stop the audience from dreaming. But I need to calculate and listen to how they are dreaming, and try to help them dream more.

~

We then did an exercise set in a café with various guests at tables, and a waiter. And then one character has to come in who "wants to fuck" (looks for a sexual partner).

I played the waiter first: I was consciously trying to be subtle and light. I didn't care about being funny (and I wasn't) and this worked for me. I ended up doing this soft American voice. "Not gay, just friendly."

Then I had a go at the "wants to fuck" role: I came in and spoke to a few different characters in the café, ending up trying to speak to Victoria's russian character, and then asking her to dance. I fell into playing a nervous charming young guy...actually I ended up playing the same character I played in The Great Gatsby...Nick Carraway.

Philippe let me go for a while, which was really nice - because I was trying something else and needed to feel my way into it a bit. I relaxed a bit - not worrying about being funny - just trying to be present - and survive really. But eventually Philippe stopped it. He said I was "too conventional". And because of this I "don't exist" in the audience's minds. And that I "don't take a risk."

This is true. I didn't take a risk here. Well, actually, I did take a risk in being lighter and not trying to be funny. But my character choices were super-safe. I understand why I did that - because I was fragile and sensitive today - but still. I need to make a stronger offer or else there's nothing to learn, nothing to play with, and nothing for Philippe to work with.

I'm not sure how to be unconventional though. Well, I guess just do anything but the conventional! But I don't know what character I'm playing. I have no idea about him other than how he looks. And the myriad of options of what he could be is daunting. But I've got to try something again! Stop worrying about being good again. It's disabling!

I am happy with myself however for being light today, and for connecting with the other actors on stage with me. Now risk again.