"It Has To Be You. It Has To Be You With Your Fun."

*I've been doing a CNZ application over the past few days and have had a few late nights. So I've missed a few Movement classes. I was gutted to miss today's though. Nicole led the class in dancing for over an hour and 15 minutes. It was based on something spiritual she had experienced overseas in which a culture danced for three days straight without stopping. Apparently you go through a kind of emotional cleansing as you do it. I wish I hadn't missed it!*

Today we started with a 'nightmare of the workshop' exercise. But it was dropped very quickly. Sara got up and was killed very quickly, but she wouldn't leave the stage. She was trying to be playful, to convince Philippe to let her stay, which people do sometimes, but the problem was that she wasn't giving anything. She was just being pathetic really. And Philippe kept saying "no, next" and she kept on at it. Auggghh! The room went cold. Philippe got quite pissed off and ended up packing his bags and leaving the room with the instructions to get him when she's finished her stint. She stopped eventually. And he stressed that he's specialist in Theatre, not a psychoanalyst and that he's not here to solve her personal problems. Fair enough. A funny start to the class.

~

3 Minutes of Masks: We did an exercise in which you can set up the masks you want to try (any of the ones we've done this workshop) and try them with the audience in 3 minutes.

I went up straight after the break feeling playful with the attitude: 'stuff it, let's have fun'. I tried a few different Commedia masks and a Larval mask. It was bad. I was in a rush - a bit of a panic. I wasn't grounded and listening at all. And so nothing worked. I pushed. It was really bad. Awful.

At the 3 minute mark Philippe yelled "STOP!" "Was it a horrible moment in your life?"

He said I didn't show the mask, I didn't feel the flop, I was totally secure, I forgot about the 4th wall (which was a rule for this exercise). Heavy. push. BIG IDEA.

I did feel the flop - I knew it was bad. But I didn't 'feel the flop' in the sense of being sensitive to it. I wasn't totally secure either - but the way I performed made it seem that way, as I was loud and heavy and confident. But excuses aside, these two things: "not feeling the flop" & "being totally secure" are key for me. I need to be far more sensitive as a performer. It's proof is in the pudding - when I'm not sensitive, when I'm heavy, basically everything good about me as a performer falls away. And I realise now that to come out on stage secure is not to risk. I need to dare to be much less secure.

I feel like crying. I'm really fed up with myself. I'm wanting far too much to be good. To be liked/loved. To to get it right. I'm trying to play - to show my spirit, something special, but I'm blocking and I'm FORCING. It's as if what could come out wont fit. I need to start being much more subtle and sensitive.

~

Actors have to stay engaged. If they're bored, we're definitely bored:

"We think you're bored so we are bored. You play boring...but you are boring."

Never be tense/blocked with the mask. Always open.

"You need to bring your humanity to the mask. Not a machine."

"Remember a funny mouth..."

The 3 minute time limit on the exercise teaches us as performers to take our time - let the audience's imagination come to you. Most of us rushed majorly.

"You have to do the character with this beautiful possible flop...without this you dont show your humanity."

"We have to admit we are bad. We dont have to pretend we are good. We're all bad before we are good."

"The more you push the less we love you."

~

At the end of class Philippe worked a bit on Michael. He got him to put on the Commedia mask of Doctore and then to talk about a topic he had studied at university that he knew a lot about - which was the Philosophy of Science.

"You see...its not too far... the wanker."

Essentially he was saying that you don't have to play a wanker - it's in you already.

"You have to be simple and to feel the flop."

"You telephone it's not me, it's not me, it's not me. But it has to be you. It has to be you with your fun."

"You dont want to be bad. Its a mistake...you can be bad, looking for your way. That is good."

Watching Michael, I saw a lot of similarities in myself - which really bugged me - because often I find Michael really annoying to watch on stage because he's always trying so hard to be funny and in doing so we don't like him at all. But in one sense it's no good comparing myself to others. And in another, it's great to learn from him and apply the learning to myself.

He's helped me realise that often as an actor I do so much...but it's all so far away from me. Characters and ideas aren't me. They aren't my humanity. They're just tricks. Mechanical tricks. I need to ride much closer to me. That is what is beautiful and special and unique. That is why the piece of theatre Aaron and Tim and I made just before I came to Paris (which has just been accepted as a STAB production for later in the year!) touched people - because it was close to us, and we revealed ourselves in the showing of it. I need to draw on myself in everything I do. Where's my fun? Where's my sillyness? What does my joy/pain/horror/murder look like? Who's my inner-wanker? Don't play the idea of a wanker. Be me - as a wanker.

~

Feeling pretty vulnerable at the end of the day. Not because Philippe was harsh with me. But because of the work I did. Whenever he kills me I don't mind so much. But I do mind the reason why I'm being killed - because I was bad. But being bad is okay if I'm risking and learning new things. Today I just re-learnt something I already knew. In a harder way. Which is important I guess. Tomorrow I'm going to work on being much lighter. Dare to discover from a much more sensitive place.